BFN

BFN - so tired of this.

Weekend Anxiety

I just need to make it through the w.e. This week, although off of work, was full of distractions because of Thanksgiving. Now that's over and my beta looming over me come Monday, I'm a jumble of nerves right now. I haven't been sleeping and I've found myself on more than one occasion wandering the house - and that's just this morning since I've been awake.

I have decided not to poas. I just know how depressed I will be for the next two days if it is not a "+". I won't want to take my meds and will be miserable around my dh (who by the way does not recommend my poas - I think because he knows me so well). So, I believe it is this decision that is the reason for my anxiety. I'm pretty sure I can wait, I just need to make sure that I keep myself busy. Not too difficult during the day, but at 3am, with it so quiet, it's my thoughts that seem to overwhelm me. I've logged quite a few early morning hours on Hulu, a video streaming site, watching old episodes of SNL and a David Duchovny romantic movie (strange, I know) called Return to Me. Lucky for me only two more sleepless nights.

Bed Rest Day 3

Once again my cat is on my lap, although in a much more awkward position, my laptop is closer to my knees so my cat can fit on my lap. He's making it quite difficult to type comfortably - but I don't care it's such a cozy feeling and, he's totally spoiled. Oh, he just jumped off leaving behind a cool void and me wanting him to come back. But for right now, I've moved the laptop closer and can type without disturbing the king of the castle.

Day 2 was pretty uneventful. Symptom watch is pretty quiet. I have only had the "period coming" feeling which I know is from the PIO. I no longer pay attention to it, me the now veteran IVFer. What does it mean to be a veteran IVFer? Is it going forward after even just one failed cycle? I believe a person in the military is considered a veteran after one tour of duty - using that definition then yes. But for me, I don't think I considered myself a 'veteran' until after my 3rd failed cycle. Part of that was because my RE mentioned that in ART if a treatment doesn't work by the 3rd time, then statistically the chances are it won't work. So, my going forward after my 3rd (4th transfer) was like continuing to fight and win a losing battle position.

Is my going ahead for my, now, 6th transfer a shot in the dark? Probably, but I'm a glutton for punishment. Statistics are stacked against me, but I'm not going to let that ruin this time that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

FET Bed Rest - Day 1

I am so happy to be here right now, sitting on the couch with my cat resting his head partially on my lap and partially on the laptop, and three embryos hopefully snuggling in for a long ride. Today, 3 of 3 blasts survived the thaw and were transferred to my uterus which has gone through quite an experience (and my hormones) in the last 3 months - see the "Jab" posts.

It was weird, looking down at the picture of our blasts, this was the first time in six transfers that I looked at the photo and thought of how amazing it is that these grain-of-sand size mass of cells can turn into a person. Is that a good, positive, thinking place to be or what!? I know I will still be my cautiously optimistic self, but maybe leaning a little more towards glass half-full perspective.

So now that I have a nice half-full glass of implant-boosting pineapple juice, I do have my worries. My big one is I have dental woes. I need a root canal - yes, just found out on Wednesday. Grrrr. Asked RE this morning and he said it's OK to have the work done, but I'm weary. I've asked Dr. Google too and the general concensous is not to worry. But, of course I still worry. I'm thinking of waiting until beta (11/30)? I'm worried and just don't know.

Quick Boring Update

Just wanted to write a "What's going on?" post. I haven't been all that motivated to blog but jotting down the particulars helps me keep my head sometimes.

So, last thing I wrote was about taking my last shot of the menopause mimicking lupron depot. Since then I've had my baseline and one follow-up u/s - both went fine as my ovaries are quiet and my lining went from 3mm to 9mm. I forget where they want my lining for transfer but I still have another two weeks for it to grow. My hot flashes are finally starting to subside now that I'm on estrogen - this for me is the biggest news! Next and last u/s before transfer is Thursday, I have my FET on Friday Nov. 20th...can't wait.

That's it - quick, boring and to the point.

The $300 Jab

Yes, I did it I went through an online pharmacy and saved over $200 bucks on my Lupron Depot! There was quite a bit of stress and worry involved but most of that was my fault. The quick version is that I waited too long to order it - simply because I was a little apprehensive. Since I waited on ordering, I was told that my medication might not arrive on time because of the delay at customs. Well, after hearing that of course I had a breakdown full of tears and insane worrying. That worrying was alleviated when just 10 days later (not the 20 they quoted me) my medication arrived! Oh was I soooo relieved!

Well, last night as I prepared to take the shot, all of my anxiety of flubbing this expensive shot came back 100 fold as I looked at this:

A glass ampoule. My dh and I stared at it. "What the hell is this and where do you put the needle?" No instructions came as to how to open this. Not sure how well you can tell from the picture, but it is one piece of glass. No twisting or flipping off a cap, no rubber stopper to inject a needle into, just one smooth piece of glass. Well, Google saved the day. In about 3 minutes we had detailed instructions, with pictures, of how to snap off the top of this tiny glass container - along with the warning of how using too much pressure could shatter the glass and render the medication useless - joy!

DH did a commendable job of breaking the top off like he was snapping a pencil. Of course he said he wanted to do it again! The injection went without any additional problems - thank God! Now I just have to deal with the random hot flash, yes, I am suffering from that lovely side effect.

The $578 jab

Just a quick update.

I started my lupron depot treatment last night with, you read correctly, one injection costing almost $600!  So I had my dh come with me to double check everything I was doing.  Even though I've mixed ganirelix and menopur dozens of times and injected myself in the butt over a hundred times with PIO it was still disconcerting to have only one chance at this.  It kinda reminded me of the anxiety I feel when taking the trigger shot - you've got only one shot and it has to be done right.  Talk about pressure!

Well, it went without a hitch and guess what the side effects are with lupron depot 3.75mg?  Menopausal symptoms - oh joy!  Of course not all women experience it but if I do I should start seeing symptoms in 1-2 weeks.  I'll keep ya posted - or maybe I shouldn't be posting in that condition :-)

So, next shot will be in 28 days.  That'll give me time to look for a cheaper shot from abroad.  I'm in So. Cal and I've been looking into online pharmacies from Canada & the UK.  Any one have any experience using a prescription from the US and buying meds from another country?  Any recommendations of online pharmacies (I've got ivfmeds.com and northwestpharmacy.com)

Curve Ball

Actually two curve balls were thrown our way so now I have a new plan of action.  First is the cost of the edometrail biopsy - $763!  A test that may not really be telling us any answers.  It's  close to the cost of meds for an FET.  And it's for my RE's professional curiosity!  

Second curve ball, one that makes the biopsy a moot point - I haven't gotten a positive LH surge and they can't schedule the biopsy without knowing what day I ovulated.  Grrrrr.  This morning, day 16, still no happy face on the OPK stick.   I started testing too late because my WTF call was on day 13 and I didn't know I was going to have to figure all this out so I think we may have missed our LH surge window.  

So between these two issues I won't be having the EB this month.  My dh and I almost think that this is OK since the cost is so high.  Our newest plan of action is to just go ahead with the two month depot lupron treatment to reset my lining.  This is the "fix", it's just two months, and according to my RE it won't have a negative effect on my lining if I didn't really need it.  I know that depot lupron is pricey, but for some reason it seems a little easier to swallow.

I hate that our FET is now pushed back until Oct/Nov and had some emotional set backs yesterday.  One included crying hysterically after I got an error message on the OPK (yeah clear blue easy-wasn't so easy), ran out of pee and had to wait until mid morning to retest.   Now, that I've written it down, I know what we are doing the next couple of months I feel a bit better. One of the most difficult parts of this whole IF journey for me is not knowing (2ww, next protocol, can I/when will I cycle again?, test results).  But having a goal, having something to reach for makes greeting each day that much easier.

WTF Consult

Just finished my obligatory WTF phone consult with our RE and I really thought it would be a quick phone call, but we ended up covering more than our upcoming FET.

Since my last fresh cycle went well my RE is now backing away from the egg quality issue.  What!? He also put egg donation on the far back burner and turned off the gas.  What!?  My embryo quality has always been good and now with egg quality, at least for this cycle, not an issue he is now considering my uterus as the culprit.  Whoa!  This is when he threw out the term surrogacy which I didn't expect.  Wait!!

So, here we are looking at uterine issues and naturally I asked "Is there a test to find out what is wrong?"  Of course there is one that is controversial, an endometrial biopsy.  This test looks for something called integrin cell adhesion molecules that should be present in my lining that are present in fertile women.  I tried typing out why it's controversial but it gets all jumbled up, basically it's because of the lack of supporting studies.   He mentioned that in a room of 10 RE's only about 3 or 4 would suggest it.  I liked his honesty about it not being a highly recommended test, but hey when we don't know what the hell is going on what do we have to lose - except the cash of course.

My next question was "Can it be fixed?"  This one was an easier answer.  Yes!  Now I can't remember exactly what he called it but basically it's regrowing my lining.  It takes two months, where my lining is reduced to its bare minimum (using Lupron - one of the most fun IF drugs) then using, I believe, estrace (another fun one!) to grow it back.  There are more studies showing that this treatment actually works and the integrins they want are there in something like 87% of the women tested.  

Since my RE has a "professional curiosity" (does that mean I don't pay for the test? JK) I will be getting the biopsy done.  If it does show I lack the integrins we will scrap the FET and do the two month regrowing of my lining.  If it's fine we go ahead with the FET.   I am so hoping for a positive test.  I don't want any more issues.  I'm done waiting.   I'm ready to be a mom.

What's Next?

I want to say thank you for all your comments.  I've stopped telling my friends about my cycles.  Some people I've not mentioned anything at all, others I only tell them I'm cycling but not any details - I guess I've realized they don't really understand.  Blogging is really the only way I can really express how I'm feeling.  So, thank you for being there.

The last two days were pretty rough, but I seem to be coming out of it.  A lot quicker than I did my last failed cycles.  For me this is a very frustrating time, in between cycles.  Part of me wants to crawl in bed and pull the sheets up over my head, cry and wish I was pregnant.  The more rational part of me knows I should get out and go for a walk/run, get some good veggies from the farmer's market, and go to a poker game with friends this w.e.  Right now I'm not sure if I'm ready to fully embrace rational me, especially being social, going back to bed sounds like a pretty good idea right now.

What's next?  Well, as I mentioned before I'm in a holding pattern before the FET.  I should be getting AF in the next couple of days, but can't start meds for a FET right away - I need to rest one cycle.  I'm usually pretty regular so I'm probably looking at starting meds the end of September.  We also have a telephone WTF consult with the RE in a couple of weeks, not really sure what will be said, but it will be good to touch base.  

Actually, going back to bed is not really an option, I have some reports to write up.  I hate it when life forces you out from under those sheets.

Got the early call

BFN

Didn't know I could feel this numb.  

Until tomorrow morning

Beta is tomorrow at 9am - can I make it through the night?  I am hoping for a late afternoon call.  It's not a definite rule, but I think if the test is negative they call early, but if it's positive they wait for progesterone results.   

Here's hoping for a 3pm or later call.  If that "rule" is off I can also tell by the tone of the "Hi" by the nurse - one word says it all.  

Who Needs Sleep?

I can't believe that I am up at 1:20 in the morning.  What the hell am I doing up right now?  I read somewhere that sleeplessness can occur if you are hungry or thirsty and that by getting a drink or a light snack will help you get back to sleep.  OK I'll buy that as my stomach is growling, but I think I am still leaning on the good ol' fall guy of stress as the sleep stealer.

During the day I think my mind is busy enough not to get too bogged down on the worry of everything being a crap shoot, actually I've been quite happy these days.  But, at night while staring at the ceiling watching the clock advance minute by excruciatingly slow minute my mind is free to ponder all the "what ifs" and "how comes" and "why me's?"   

Oh well, I need to deal with it so I can get back to sleep!  Working on it.  Today is 7dp5dt and other than the typical (aka try not to analyze them) PIO symptoms I get (feeling like period, tender tatas) all is well that will hopefully end well.  

2dp5dt

Final day of "bed rest" or the milking what I can get out of my dh - just kidding, he's been wonderful and I've actually had to remind him that it isn't a strict bed rest that I'm just supposed to be taking it easy and not strapped down to the couch.

I'm of course trying not to have anxiety attacks over every twinge I feel and making sure I remind myself that the PIO is the mother of all or most of my "symptoms".  I'm sure most of the ovulary twinges I'm feeling are my ovaries shrinking back to a normal size - I feel it on both sides.   It wasn't until Thursday and yesterday that I was finally able to move without any feelings of discomfort from the retrieval.   So, I guess I kinda did need the extra days in bed.  

Oh, I forgot to mention that my navel is bruised again - it happened before during ivf#2.  Weird, something gets nicked during the retrieval and blood travels up a no longer used ligament from the uterus to my navel.  Very strange.  No pain, just strange discoloration.  

So, we do have some good news.  11 of the embryos made it to freeze quality!  9 are of a good-good quality & 2 at a fair-fair quality.  I cried after I hung up the phone.  We did it!  If you haven't read my previous posts, dh and I are really aiming for a FET.   I've only ever had success with a FET - my RE says it may be that my E2 levels are too high during a fresh and don't make the best uterine environment for my embies.  Well, we have a few chances now with frozens if this fresh doesn't work.   But, oh do I hope this fresh works.

Let the 2ww Commence

2 blastocysts on board!  After each retrieval they were always so sure that I would do a 5 day transfer (I've been blessed with good response) and always surprised when by day 2 the quality of the embryos wasn't there (dare I say I've been cursed with poor quality).  So, for ivf#2 and ivf #4 I am so grateful to have made it to a 5 day transfer - at this clinic that's a sign that your embyos are of a good quality (good-fair-poor scale).  I kinda wished this clinic used the #AA system, it seems to give more information - maybe at my follow-up I'll ask why they don't use it. 

So, what was their quality today?  We had 3 blastocyst of good to fair quality.  Another 11 were still compacting and although it's a little difficult for them to judge quality, they are pretty hopeful that some more with make it to good enough quality blasts to freeze.  Fingers are crossed!   The remaining 4 have slowed and they don't expect those to continue.

I am being cautiously optimistic since, maybe a little jaded by my past experiences, or maybe just being realistic.  But, the RE (Dr. Meticulous again as my RE was still on vacation) is so good natured and just seemed to have such a positive vibe going from the minute we stepped into the room that I'm sitting here actually thinking this could work.   I got the impression that Dr. Meticulous wants to gloat a little to his partner, a "see what we did while you were gone!" Well, he did retrieve a dozen more eggs out of me!  Let's hope his magic touch continues.   Beta 8/17...

Egg Report

Saturday's retrieval went well, I had the other RE at my clinic doing the procedure.  I really like him and during check-in he told us that he was going to carefully probe each follicle and let's call him Dr. Meticulous.  He took out 39 eggs, and let's just say I am still in bed with my feet up feeling very tender.  This is the first retrieval I've had to take vicodin for the pain.   

As for the report, 24 mature and 18 fertilized!  Best fertilization rate (75%) we've ever gotten, our last best cycle 62% of the mature eggs took the ICSI bait.  I'll get another call tomorrow with numbers of how many are still dividing and their quality.  Fingers, toes & maybe even my ovaries are crossed!

Retrieval Eve

I'm feeling quite anxious on this eve of the next stage of my ivf plan.   I've gone through another round of a multitude of poking and prodding and am now anticipating a  4th round of trauma to my ovaries - which will actually be my last.  After this no more stimming, no more follicle count, no more triggering, no more aspirating - well, of my own anyhow.  Whew.

I'm still game for shooting up with PIO and popping pills, but after tomorrow I'm done with my ovaries taking the hits.  Next up will be us searching for eggs like some surreal Easter egg hunt, but as I said before DE is our back up plan, on an as needed basis.

So, I feel like I'm realistically optimistic about this cycle.  Actually I feel pretty numb about this cycle, I think it's difficult to be closing this door yet hard to write about how I'm feeling since I feel like it's one of those revolving doors.  My emotions seem to be going around in circles alternating between eagerness for this to be over and move on to hope that this 'last good egg' could actually work.

And we're off!

Or maybe I've already been in the running, it depends on when you think the official start of the cycle is.  I like to think the it's with the first pill I take that screws with my hormones, so for me that was on Monday when I took my first estrace.  I don't know what it was about this time, but the estrace gave me some headaches and some major crabbiness - it was like PMSx10 being on those.  I hope I'm coming down from that estrogen rush.  

So, I had my first b/w a

nd u/s today as AF came yesterday, a few days ahead of schedule.  Things look good and I begin taking more hormonal screwing drugs on Sunday night - gotta love it!  Actually the fol.listim seems to just do it's job on my follicles, it doesn't mess with my mind :-)  

That's it for ivf related stuff.  In these times of So. Cal's drought my husband and I decided to get rid of the grass in our front yard and plant drought tolerant/resistant plants.  We've passed the first stage - removal of the grass 

and now have a good ol' yard-of-dirt.  I've purchased the plants and now we are ready to start planning where everythi

ng will go, but of course it's too damn hot here to be outside - especially in the direct 90+ degrees sun.  We are limited to a few early morning and evening hours when it's cool enough that you are not sweating bullets just standing there.   Here are the b-4 and after grass pics.  

Before:

After:

Not much longer now...

...until my 4th cycle begins.  Way nervous, but ready.  I've been exercising and eating better, not expecting it to make a lot of difference, but just to make me feel better.  As I mentioned before we are focusing on getting to a FET and that seems to be taking the pressure off this fresh cycle.  Poppy asked why not do a transfer with the one frozen we have, we're not based on RE's recommendation, but we will if we don't get any to freeze from this fresh cycle.   Well, I start my medication, estrace, in a little over a week.  After that things are going to fly by.  If this cycle is anything like the last three - I'll be doing ER and ET around the 1st or 2nd week of August.  Wow.

So, DH and I just came back from a long w.e. road trip and my cousin, who we were staying with, asked the "when are you going to start a family" question. I saw it coming as she was dropping hints from the minute we got there. I told her we were having problems and didn't want to talk about it. Well it turns out her first dd is from ivf - 18 mos of treatments. Since it took all w.e. for her to ask the question (asked the night before we were leaving) we didn't get a chance to talk about it so I don't know the details.

I'm a little weary of opening up a dialogue with her - I don't know if I want to let her all the way in. We're family but I'm not sure how close we are. I am curious though as her dd is 19. I need to think on it for a while to see and it would also be different if we were logistically close, she's about a 8 hour drive away.

On a side note, I've been keeping tabs on one of the donors at our clinic.  Although she was unproven, the donor coordinator said she was in the middle of her first cycle and since she fit what we are looking for I kept track of her cycle.  Well, it failed.   36 eggs no pregnancy (lots to freeze though, and won't know about those until the recipient decides on an FET).  DH and I know that we will only go with a proven donor and it would have worked out time-wise if she had a successful cycle.   I'm a little disappointed but since a donor cycle is still some time in the future I'm not letting it worry me.  Besides a lot could happen between now and then.

4:30am

Can't sleep.  I apologize in advance if this is difficult to read, I don't think I'm going to go back and reread to correct for grammar, typos, or just to make sure it makes sense.  Well, today was our wtf appointment and as I feared we know nothing more than going in.  DH and I fall into that "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you so we'll blame it on your age and declining egg quality".  

We are now in the debating donor egg stage and I can't tell you how much it sucks.  One moment I am loving the 75-80% success rate the other minute I'm morning the loss of ever having a genetic child of my own.  

But, of course I still need to stay positive in al of this.  We paid for two cycles up front so we have one left in the bank.  Of course right after I got the bfn I was adamant that I could not go through another cycle and would put the left over $$ towards a donor cycle.  Well, my dh and mom told me to put the breaks on and not make any decisions when I am so emotional.  Not there words - they put it so much more delicately - but by did I hate it when they were telling me that.  They are sooo lucky that I love them so much and did not blow up at them.  I just sat and listened while the tears were falling. 

Well, here it is almost two weeks later - amazing how much that medication messes with my mind - and as much as I hate to admit it my mom and dh were right.   Although I am scared out of my mind to go through another cycle with my eggs - terrified of another disappointment - I would be more upset not knowing and always wondering.  

So, the way our RE put it is that since I did get pregnant with a FET but never with a fresh it could be something to do with my estrogen levels at time of transfer.   He should me the numbers: fresh my E2 is upwards of 4,000 - frozen more like 240.  He was explaining that sometimes in some women it makes a difference because the endometrium during a FET more closely resembles what condition it's in naturally.  So, this cycle we are going to be more agressive in trying for a FET.  In the past we've transferred the best three, now we might only transfer the best two and save more to try for freeze stage.  Right now we have 1 frozen embryo.  I'm hoping that this next cycle will be just like my others in that we've gotten 1-2 to freeze.  That's all we need.

OK good, getting tired now.  Can get back to bed.

Not so positive

Trying to cope with my third failed attempt - will be spending the next week figuring out what our next moves are to discuss at the upcoming WTF appointment next Monday.   Getting close to the end, never thought I would be here like this.

POAS

This would have been the first cycle that I tested before beta.  I don't know what made me want to tempt fate but, things were not in the cards for me anyway.  I was unable to purchase any hpt's today - like there were none in the store!    I planned on purchasing the cheap-o ones from the dollar store but after scanning the aisles for way too long I realized that there were none to be had.  I gave up.   Then my brain was telling me "Well, maybe this store doesn't carry them.  Maybe the other dollar store down the street does - I've seen them there before."  

So, I drive to the other store and make a beeline to the aisle with all the fem products and... nothing.  No tests!  I almost went to ask someone why they got rid of their pregnancy tests.   Weirdest thing.   I was done after that and I'm not normally into signs, and yes I could have run to one of the big drug stores, but I felt like this one yelled loud and clear - no testing before Thursday!

It's going to be hard to wait now that I've put the idea in my head of testing but sans any additional signs I think I can do it!

Feet Up

Books, movies, sleep, magazines, food, water, phone.  OK that is what I'm seeing from my perch right now and very grateful that my bedrest is happening over the w.e. b/c right now my dh is making me breakfast.  

My other transfers took place in the same rooms that I would get my ultrasounds in, but yesterday they took us into the part of the building I thought was reserved for retrievals and other surgeries.  For one horrific moment as we walked the same hallway I did 3 days prior I thought they made a mistake and thought I was there for an ER!  But, we passed the prep rooms without even a pause.  Where we ended up surprised me even more.  We went to a room labeled "Minor Surgery" and soon found out that it is right next door to where the embryo lab is.  When they opened the door, we even got a peek into the lab.  On other occasions the embryologist has to quickly walk the hallways of the building with our embies in a catheter (I'm sure hoping not to drop it or bump into anyone) to get to the exam room were in.  But this time, he only needed to pass through one door, he was there in a flash with the 3 embryos we choose to transfer. 

Of the five, 2 were at 8 cell and rated as good.  The rest were fair at 6 cel.  So, right now I am sitting here with my feet up cradling my two 8-celled and one 6-celled embryos.

Let the two week wait begin.

Breathing Easier

I can't thank enough those that commented.  Thank you for giving me the permission to rant and be as negative as possible.  Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in all of this. Thank you for providing those words of encouragement.   I know I haven't been commenting lately and so I want to also thank you for a kind of one-way leaning post.  

Well, as my cel rang this afternoon I sucked in my breath and didn't let it out until I heard that today's fert report shows 5 embryos.  I guess one more fertilized in the meantime.  They are of fair quality (on a good-fair-poor scale) some at 2-cell and some at 4-cell with minimal fragmentation.  A 3day transfer is on the books so I go in at 10am tomorrow morning.  I could have gone into work for a couple of hours, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate, besides I'll use the morning to get my nest ready for the next few days of lounging.  

Again, thank you for your support.  I want you to know that you also have mine - not always in words, but always in heart.

Watch Out....Depressing Post

I'm old and my eggs are old and decrepit.  I guess they stopped doing what they were supposed to do a long time ago.  I was looking at a container of crinkled blueberries the other day and just broke down - those are my eggs.  Dried up and crinkled.  

Got the fert report today, out of 25 eggs, 11 mature and 4 fertilized (those 4 are of fair to poor quality).  They are watching the other 7 but there is only a slim chance that they were just slow.  So, we are tentatively scheduled for a day 3 - tentative b/c we have to wait and see how many actually make it til Friday.  

I'm sorry but I need to be negative, since it seems like everyone around me is all, "I know that is a low number, but that's what we have to work with and it might work".  You know the "you only need one" crap.  I am soooo angry that we waited so long to start our family.  This whole infertility business started b/c of a sperm issue, but now it's escalated to an egg issue and having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever have a biological child of my own.  It's pissing me off and making me feel like I can't face anything or anyone.  

I made a huge mistake at work today taking the clinic call while I was in the middle of campus.  I didn't think it would be that bad.  So many people saw me crying and upset.  Which sucks because there is nothing else that makes me cry more when you have nice people asking if you are ok and if there is anything they can do to help - I know that they really mean it and I know that there is nothing they can do.  On top if it, most of these are women with kids (or pregnant), so I kind of don't even want to be talking with them. 

Oh and I now get to have some guilt.  I stopped taking the DHEA - did it really work?  I had a better fert rate when I was on it.  Uggggggghhhhhh!  This sucks so much.  I feel so alone here and I'm scared of Friday, hell, I'm scared of my day two report on Thursday.  This is my last fresh cycle, after this we have our final shot with donor eggs.  Which I still can't wrap my thoughts around completely.  

Is that it?  I think so.  Scared, frustrated, disappointed, angry, guilty - nope no positive thoughts here.   Sorry so negative and if it seems jumbled, I can't even reread it b/c I know I'll delete half of it.

Tuesday 9am

I just got back from the last bw / us before egg retrieval.   Things look good physically, and mentally, well, surprisingly, do I dare say, I feel somewhat calm?  I'm a little nervous, but not much more.  My second IVF & FET I was in a much more emotional state.  Who knows, come tomorrow (post lupron shot) I may feel quite a bit different.  

I'm worried about eqq quality.  I'm fortunate that my ovaries respond well to the medication, but I guess with my age, it is the quality of those eggs that suffers.  There is not much I can do but wait and see, which of course is the hardest part.  

Trigger tonight.  Tuesday 9am is right around the corner.  Quality over quantity.  Wait and see.  

3rd Attempt

Well, here I am, quick rundown of all the waiting I had to do to get to here. 

• Waited to hear if my husband was laid off or not - thankfully no.  
  
• Waited to hear the results if I had a false positive for HTLV - yes, thankfully it was a false positive.
  
• Waited for AF to arrive - and she did a day early!  

I guess some of those events could have made for an interesting post or two...sorry.

Today was day one of my 3rd IVF attempt.  "How did things get this far? Why am I doing this again?"  These questions plagued me all day - from the minute I stepped back into the clinic this morning to standing in line at the pharmacy for my big bag-o-medication to writing an email to my principal telling her of all the upcoming dates I'll be missing from work.  Well, I have realized that there are no answers to these questions and as long as I stop asking myself I'll be more open to seeing this cycle for what it is - another chance - the possibility of Hope.

So, I had my baseline ultrasound today and everything is o.k.  I go ahead with my protocol of follistim starting tomorrow (my last two cycles I was on follistim for about 11 days) with u/s and b/w appointments scattered amongst those 11 days, followed by Menopur, then my Lupron trigger.  I don't take birth control pills (something to do with my high blood pressure) so my ivf cycles fly by like the wind.  My earliest date for ER is 5/3, less than two weeks away.  Yikes.

I have some guilt though.  I didn't follow my doctor's instructions.  He told me to continue taking DHEA, but that supplement is doom and gloom in a bottle.  I had terrible acne, weight gain, mood swings, and just an overall feeling of doom and gloom - when I told the nurse that I had stopped taking it she didn't seem all that concerned and mentioned that it is all theoretical anyway and there is a possibility that the doses that I did take did something.  Who knows?  It's another wait and see game that we'll never know the outcome for sure.  I would have been on DHEA for almost 7 months - at a dose 3x what is suggested on the bottle.  

Actually after my miscarriage I stopped taking everything, even my high blood pressure meds - I know really bad - but, well, at that point I was finding it difficult to do any day to day stuff.  So one morning, after I got back on my horse, I remember reaching for the DHEA bottle and something just made me not want to take it anymore - so I didn't.  

Thank you so much for all your kind words, there are so many crying signs on this ivf journey, it's comforting words that can make all the difference.  

So, I changed my mind, I don't think I want to replay my last FET cycle.  I know that it's pretty scary to get wisdom from a TV show, but I was watching this show called John Doe.  It's about a guy who wakes up with no memory of who he is but knows EVERYTHING in the world.  I know, kooky premise, but what can you do when you want to be a couch potato.  So, anyway, one of the characters is telling this John Doe that he needs to make new memories and not lose himself trying to recapture the past.  She plays some kind of brain doc and she said that the patients she sees that recover the best are always those that "stop looking in the rearview mirror and focus on what lies ahead."   

I will never forget, and I don't want to, but I think I'm going to look to what will be next.  So, what's next?  Two things.  One I am waiting for AF (we are always waiting for something right). Two, I'm working on being social again, without the tears or moodiness.   Not doing the best job on that as last week I cried at my SIL's and last night I bailed on going to the movies with a friend.  Well, my dh wasn't too keen on going either so I had an easy out.  

To borrow from Evergreen:

What am I grateful for?

-Hulu (unlimited shows - we don't have cable)

-my job

-my purring cat on my lap

How will I take care of myself?

-going to the gym after this post

-trying to eat healthy - no more skipping lunch

-watch less Hulu :-)

What is going on?

I know much time has passed since I last wrote and yes quite a bit has happened. Good and bad. As I start writing this I'm not sure if I want to give the quick and dirty story or a long drawn out one over a few posts. I guess I could do both.

I've been keeping up with many of your blogs and I've seen some heartache and for a while I just couldn't bring myself to add to it. But, amidst the disappointments I saw such great strength, support and hope. Over the last weeks I have been lurking (yes I saw nutshells post :-), reading and commiserating, but silently, and I'm ready to start being a part of the blogging life again.

So, the quick and dirty.
Nov 21st. FET Tx 3 embies - FET's so much easier on the body!
Dec. 2 Beta 1 ----BFP! @451
Dec 4 Beta 2 --- 862!
Dec 16 1st us - saw heartbeat 6w3d
Dec 23 2nd us - found two heartbeats! Woah! Identical Twins! Best Christmas presents ever!
Dec 30 3rd/final us w/ RE - no heartbeats - Worst New Years ever
Dec 30 -- D&C
Jan 15 -- Chromosome Analysis - Normal Female Karyotype -- girls! But, what happened? Why? Questions that will forever plague me.

That's it. That is where I am now, missing my girls I lost between 7 and 8 weeks. I haven't cried in a few days and I can get through most days without feeling too discouraged. I think I've come a ways, because two weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to type this post. I will try over the next week (I'm not the best blogger) to post some details, and what is up and coming for me - first steps are my follow-up appointments with my doctors.

I will leave with a poem by Emily Dickinson my mom sent me:

Hope
is the thing
with feathers
that perches
in the soul
and sings the tune
without words
and never stops
-at all