Monday, January 26, 2009

Thank you so much for all your kind words, there are so many crying signs on this ivf journey, it's comforting words that can make all the difference.  

So, I changed my mind, I don't think I want to replay my last FET cycle.  I know that it's pretty scary to get wisdom from a TV show, but I was watching this show called John Doe.  It's about a guy who wakes up with no memory of who he is but knows EVERYTHING in the world.  I know, kooky premise, but what can you do when you want to be a couch potato.  So, anyway, one of the characters is telling this John Doe that he needs to make new memories and not lose himself trying to recapture the past.  She plays some kind of brain doc and she said that the patients she sees that recover the best are always those that "stop looking in the rearview mirror and focus on what lies ahead."   

I will never forget, and I don't want to, but I think I'm going to look to what will be next.  So, what's next?  Two things.  One I am waiting for AF (we are always waiting for something right). Two, I'm working on being social again, without the tears or moodiness.   Not doing the best job on that as last week I cried at my SIL's and last night I bailed on going to the movies with a friend.  Well, my dh wasn't too keen on going either so I had an easy out.  

To borrow from Evergreen:
What am I grateful for?
-Hulu (unlimited shows - we don't have cable)
-my job
-my purring cat on my lap

How will I take care of myself?
-going to the gym after this post
-trying to eat healthy - no more skipping lunch
-watch less Hulu :-)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

What is going on?

I know much time has passed since I last wrote and yes quite a bit has happened. Good and bad. As I start writing this I'm not sure if I want to give the quick and dirty story or a long drawn out one over a few posts. I guess I could do both.

I've been keeping up with many of your blogs and I've seen some heartache and for a while I just couldn't bring myself to add to it. But, amidst the disappointments I saw such great strength, support and hope. Over the last weeks I have been lurking (yes I saw nutshells post :-), reading and commiserating, but silently, and I'm ready to start being a part of the blogging life again.

So, the quick and dirty.
Nov 21st. FET Tx 3 embies - FET's so much easier on the body!
Dec. 2 Beta 1 ----BFP! @451
Dec 4 Beta 2 --- 862!
Dec 16 1st us - saw heartbeat 6w3d
Dec 23 2nd us - found two heartbeats! Woah! Identical Twins! Best Christmas presents ever!
Dec 30 3rd/final us w/ RE - no heartbeats - Worst New Years ever
Dec 30 -- D&C
Jan 15 -- Chromosome Analysis - Normal Female Karyotype -- girls! But, what happened? Why? Questions that will forever plague me.

That's it. That is where I am now, missing my girls I lost between 7 and 8 weeks. I haven't cried in a few days and I can get through most days without feeling too discouraged. I think I've come a ways, because two weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to type this post. I will try over the next week (I'm not the best blogger) to post some details, and what is up and coming for me - first steps are my follow-up appointments with my doctors.

I will leave with a poem by Emily Dickinson my mom sent me:

is the thing
with feathers
that perches
in the soul
and sings the tune
without words
and never stops
-at all