Wednesday, April 22, 2009

3rd Attempt

Well, here I am, quick rundown of all the waiting I had to do to get to here. 
  • Waited to hear if my husband was laid off or not - thankfully no.  
  • Waited to hear the results if I had a false positive for HTLV - yes, thankfully it was a false positive.
  • Waited for AF to arrive - and she did a day early!  
I guess some of those events could have made for an interesting post or two...sorry.

Today was day one of my 3rd IVF attempt.  "How did things get this far? Why am I doing this again?"  These questions plagued me all day - from the minute I stepped back into the clinic this morning to standing in line at the pharmacy for my big bag-o-medication to writing an email to my principal telling her of all the upcoming dates I'll be missing from work.  Well, I have realized that there are no answers to these questions and as long as I stop asking myself I'll be more open to seeing this cycle for what it is - another chance - the possibility of Hope.

So, I had my baseline ultrasound today and everything is o.k.  I go ahead with my protocol of follistim starting tomorrow (my last two cycles I was on follistim for about 11 days) with u/s and b/w appointments scattered amongst those 11 days, followed by Menopur, then my Lupron trigger.  I don't take birth control pills (something to do with my high blood pressure) so my ivf cycles fly by like the wind.  My earliest date for ER is 5/3, less than two weeks away.  Yikes.

I have some guilt though.  I didn't follow my doctor's instructions.  He told me to continue taking DHEA, but that supplement is doom and gloom in a bottle.  I had terrible acne, weight gain, mood swings, and just an overall feeling of doom and gloom - when I told the nurse that I had stopped taking it she didn't seem all that concerned and mentioned that it is all theoretical anyway and there is a possibility that the doses that I did take did something.  Who knows?  It's another wait and see game that we'll never know the outcome for sure.  I would have been on DHEA for almost 7 months - at a dose 3x what is suggested on the bottle.  

Actually after my miscarriage I stopped taking everything, even my high blood pressure meds - I know really bad - but, well, at that point I was finding it difficult to do any day to day stuff.  So one morning, after I got back on my horse, I remember reaching for the DHEA bottle and something just made me not want to take it anymore - so I didn't.