Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Can't sleep.  I apologize in advance if this is difficult to read, I don't think I'm going to go back and reread to correct for grammar, typos, or just to make sure it makes sense.  Well, today was our wtf appointment and as I feared we know nothing more than going in.  DH and I fall into that "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you so we'll blame it on your age and declining egg quality".  

We are now in the debating donor egg stage and I can't tell you how much it sucks.  One moment I am loving the 75-80% success rate the other minute I'm morning the loss of ever having a genetic child of my own.  

But, of course I still need to stay positive in al of this.  We paid for two cycles up front so we have one left in the bank.  Of course right after I got the bfn I was adamant that I could not go through another cycle and would put the left over $$ towards a donor cycle.  Well, my dh and mom told me to put the breaks on and not make any decisions when I am so emotional.  Not there words - they put it so much more delicately - but by did I hate it when they were telling me that.  They are sooo lucky that I love them so much and did not blow up at them.  I just sat and listened while the tears were falling. 

Well, here it is almost two weeks later - amazing how much that medication messes with my mind - and as much as I hate to admit it my mom and dh were right.   Although I am scared out of my mind to go through another cycle with my eggs - terrified of another disappointment - I would be more upset not knowing and always wondering.  

So, the way our RE put it is that since I did get pregnant with a FET but never with a fresh it could be something to do with my estrogen levels at time of transfer.   He should me the numbers: fresh my E2 is upwards of 4,000 - frozen more like 240.  He was explaining that sometimes in some women it makes a difference because the endometrium during a FET more closely resembles what condition it's in naturally.  So, this cycle we are going to be more agressive in trying for a FET.  In the past we've transferred the best three, now we might only transfer the best two and save more to try for freeze stage.  Right now we have 1 frozen embryo.  I'm hoping that this next cycle will be just like my others in that we've gotten 1-2 to freeze.  That's all we need.

OK good, getting tired now.  Can get back to bed.