I know much time has passed since I last wrote and yes quite a bit has happened. Good and bad. As I start writing this I'm not sure if I want to give the quick and dirty story or a long drawn out one over a few posts. I guess I could do both.
I've been keeping up with many of your blogs and I've seen some heartache and for a while I just couldn't bring myself to add to it. But, amidst the disappointments I saw such great strength, support and hope. Over the last weeks I have been lurking (yes I saw nutshells post :-), reading and commiserating, but silently, and I'm ready to start being a part of the blogging life again.
So, the quick and dirty.
Nov 21st. FET Tx 3 embies - FET's so much easier on the body!
Dec. 2 Beta 1 ----BFP! @451
Dec 4 Beta 2 --- 862!
Dec 16 1st us - saw heartbeat 6w3d
Dec 23 2nd us - found two heartbeats! Woah! Identical Twins! Best Christmas presents ever!
Dec 30 3rd/final us w/ RE - no heartbeats - Worst New Years ever
Dec 30 -- D&C
Jan 15 -- Chromosome Analysis - Normal Female Karyotype -- girls! But, what happened? Why? Questions that will forever plague me.
That's it. That is where I am now, missing my girls I lost between 7 and 8 weeks. I haven't cried in a few days and I can get through most days without feeling too discouraged. I think I've come a ways, because two weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to type this post. I will try over the next week (I'm not the best blogger) to post some details, and what is up and coming for me - first steps are my follow-up appointments with my doctors.
I will leave with a poem by Emily Dickinson my mom sent me:
Hope
is the thing
with feathers
that perches
in the soul
and sings the tune
without words
and never stops
-at all
The Birth of a Mother
3 years ago
5 comments:
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Many hugs. For me, writing has helped immensely. and reading poetry!
Oh, I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. It is heartbreaking. I'm glad you are beginning to get back in the swing of things - although you'll be forever changed by what happened. I'm thinking of you and hoping that each day gets a little easier.
I am so sorry to hear your news. I too had a m/c at 8.5 weeks, at the 3rd and last appt with my RE. We had seen the h/b 2 times before that day. I know exactly what you are feeling. It will take some time to muster hope again. It has taken me 4 months to feel that I am strong again to begin our next IVF cycle. I just began BCPs for Feb. stims start.
I am praying for strength for you, that you find hope soon- it is really the only thing to keep us going on the IF journey we're all so ready to be finished with!
Oh, pumpkin, I am so sorry. How awful to see the heartbeats and the twins, and then to lose them. My heart is heavy for you. I am glad you posted as I think about you often.
The poem made me cry - so perfect.
Welcome back. I am so sorry to hear about your girls. That hurts so bad.
((HUG))
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