Tuesday, September 23, 2008

No Budding Pumpkins

I got the BFN today.  Sad.  Disappointed.  Hurt.  Tired.  Dreading the painful cramps and the unrelenting not knowing why it didn't happen thoughts.   Right now I am just going through the motions, keeping myself going with the mundane things of life...laundry, dishes, lesson plans...

The worst part for me is I had this secret hope that I would be able to call my mom on her birthday (tomorrow) with some special news, not gonna happen.  I've been really lucky in that my mom is not one to ask every week when a grandkid will come along.  She's actually never really asked.  We've discussed it, but she's never pressed the issue.  When I told her about our IF she was really supportive and had the 'if it happens it happens' attitude.   I kept her updated during my first cycle, but for some reason this one I couldn't do it.  I ended up not telling anyone that I was going through another round.  I don't know which is better.

What's next for us?  Our follow-up with our RE isn't until 10/13 - I wish we didn't have to wait so long - I think he's going on vacation or something.  Well we have 3 frozen embies and I remember the RE mentioning that he likes to transfer 3 for an FET.   Our follow up is just over a week b4 my next expected visit from AF.  I don't know if I'll rest a cycle or what.  Maybe spend another month getting in shape mentally and physically.   Oh, how I wish I wasn't writing about this.

After that?  Right now I can't think that far.  Right now my brain is taken up by separating and folding clothes.  I think I might take a brake from blogging for a bit - I might do some lurking and comments, but for now this will be my last post for a bit.  Thanks to everyone who has posted comments and given me positive vibes - it helps to get through some of those tough spots.

7 comments:

poppy.f.seed said...

It is hard to deal with failure, and be thinking of the future. In a way, it is all that can be thought of, but grief messes with clarity. I am glad to hear you have 3 frozen ones. Maybe your body needs less stress, to be able to implant? hugs...

Chelle said...

I am sorry. I understand taking a break from blogging for a bit.. We'll be here when you get back. I am happy that you have 3 frozen embies for an FET. Take care.

((HUGS))

Evergreen said...

I'm so sorry. It is so sad, discouraging and hope-destroying. Certainly take a break and know we are here to support you when you need it. Take good care of yourself.

KandiB said...

It's so hard. No matter how you look at it. I wish you peace and comfort. We'll be here when you're ready.

Tara said...

So sorry to hear this.

Joy said...

I was saddened to read your news. My heart goes out to you.

Kelly said...

So sorry to hear that IVF #2 did not work for you. It just plain sucks. I hope that your RE has a plan gives you a renewed sense of hope. Hang in there.