What's Different About This Cycle?

Not much.  So far all of my appointments have fallen on the same day of the week.  My baseline u/s found similar follie numbers as my first cycle.  And at my appointment yesterday when I asked the nurse if things have changed, she told me only a little.    She said they wanted things to go a little slower than last cycle, but so far it's been the same?  They lowered my Follistim dose from 150IU to 100IU, but is it working?  I like to believe that the number of follicles doesn't tell ALL, that it's quality not quantity.  And, we won't know quality until we know the number of embryos & their subsequent development.  So, the questions I have: Did my having 23 eggs retrieved compromise the quality of all of them? (18 mature/only 4 made it)   Will this slower protocol & dhea improve quality?  Ugggh I hate this not knowing.   But there in lies that beauty - Hope.

Well, if things stay status quo I'll have my ER next Sunday, but maybe this time could I have a day 5 transfer?

Coming around the first bend

I can see the first hurdle in sight - the baseline.  It's scheduled for Monday morning.  It's kinda funny, but my first IVF cycle baseline was the last Monday of the month too.  I wasn't surprised about starting on Saturday since AF likes to come on the weekends not during normal business hours.  

Last cycle I started my stims on the day of my baseline, and I'm expecting to do the same.  I knew I should've run out to the pharmacy on Friday, but I had painters at my house until 4pm and things just seemed kinda hectic.  Here's hoping that the pharmacy (which of course is closed Sat & Sun) has Follistim on hand and I won't be on some wild goose chase all around Southern California looking for drugs!  Well, I guess there is always Mexico right?  At least I have all my other pills ready to go.

My husband said something interesting this morning.  I took some cuttings from a few succulents around our yard and placed them in small pots so I can keep a close eye on them.  This morning I pointed this out to him and he was like, "you've got quite a little nursery going there".   This side comment, one I'm not sure he connected to our IF issues, made me feel a little sad and it bothered me.  In the last few days, especially as my cycle is beginning, I've been thinking a lot about the power of being positive.   Being sad will not help my positiveness.  IF aside, I will always be nurturing.  I'm a teacher, gardener and animal lover, it's in my nature to care for things and nothing can change that.

Starting Line

I took my first pill of estrace today - the official start of IVF#2! I've been so used to my standard regiment of 3 pills (prenate, blood pressure pill, & dhea) that I totally forgot to take the estrace. Whoops!  

I went back to work today, oh was it fun.  I usually dread our staff development days only because in the past they would make us do these silly team building activities, but today no games - I actually felt like the day was productive!  Amazing.  I was also floored that there were no pregnancy announcements - not yet anyway.   I'm also surprised that I didn't get upset at hearing about all the new babies (6 one just announced today!)

The weird thing is that I didn't feel like talking to anyone.  I had planned on returning to school pregnant, and now that it didn't happen I guess I felt like I had nothing to talk about. Writing that down, wow, how warped does that sound?   The whole day, I just couldn't get it out of my head what could've been.   

Just writing this down is making me see how self absorbed I am about my IF, I really need to, well, not let it go because it's a part of me, but to kind of compartmentalize my thoughts.  Infertility is a part of my life and it can't be ignored, but I also won't let it turn me into a depressed anti-social bore.  I think I can be conversational and have a genuine smile when I'm with my colleagues; I can leave the ivf at the door.   If I let this ivf cycle get me down, then that negativity is going to play against me - it will be hard to juggle work stress & ivf, but countless women have done it (I've read their blogs) and succeeded.  I can be next!

House Painting

As I write this the painters are power washing our house.  We have talked about painting the house for a few years now (almost as long as we've been ttc!) and I can't believe it's finally happening.  I think DH and I talk about things way more than actually doing those things.  We talked about a trip abroad for years before seeing Italy.  We talk about excersizing more (I don't think we're alone it that one though)  We talked about remodeling the master bathroom - this we at least started and now our 'talk' is about finishing it.  And, we're still talking about new landscaping. It's like we have these grand plans but they just seem to stay in the planning stage, we are big procrastinators - there I said it.  

Now that I said it of course I have to think that our procrastination in starting a family is part of the reason why we are in this ivf party.  This way of thinking, it's a dangerous road to go down and I am stopping myself right here.  Sometimes I wish I had the attention span of a cat and by looking out the window at the painters I could forget what I was just thinking, but no I have to force myself to redirect my thoughts. Oh!  They just power washed a ladder leaning up against a post and it went flying - yikes, hope it didn't break anything!  OK maybe I do have some cat in me :-)

Garden update: tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes.  I'm getting a little sick of them, but that will inspire me to find some new recipes.   We picked our first pumpkin - not sure what to do with it though, early jack-o-lantern?  If I get some good pics I'll add them later.  

One week en-counting

I'm excited, nervous, and so anxious about this upcoming cycle.  I'm painfully pessimistic, I keep thinking about all the stats about ivf and it makes me go crazy. Yet I am also dreamily optimistic all at the same time - actually I also like to dream that we'll have a 'free' baby, that's what we call getting pregnant w/o ivf :-).  As my start date gets closer I think I get a little more anxious each day - probably not the best attitude when I should be keeping my stress level down.  

So, I need to think of ways to keep my stress level down. Hmmmm. And, since I go back to work next week I will need ways to combat the "What did you do over the summer?" question. I had planned on getting ready for my first child, now that didn't work and my summer was a wash. And face the several women who are probably now expecting. In case I didn't mention it before, I'm a teacher at a school with a young staff -lots of weddings and lots of babies. Ok, so that is where my thought process will be for the next seven days. So far this is what I have:

Ways to keep a good attitude:
Gardening (if the pumpkins can do it, so can we!)
Catching up on some professional reading - I can focus on work instead
Continue blogging - so much easier than a therapist

Ways to combat the "What did you do?" question:
"Nothing, what did you do?" - just kidding
"Went through an ivf cycle that failed and am now taking steroids that are putting hair on my face" - probably not
"Gardening, some travel, lots of reading" - the truth and not very exciting, but I guess it'll have to do.

Facing the expectant moms:
Cry - no good
Avoid - better, but can only do for so long
Fake smile - nice, but again can only do for so long before muscles start to ache
Short and sweet "congratulations" then lame excuse to leave - OK! that works for me and maybe include fake smile.

Vacation...a little fun...a little guilt...a little worrying

I'm psyched to be on vacation, but with vacation comes all the relaxing times with friends and family - all the times that people around me are having wine with dinner and beer at summer bbq's. So, my guilt comes from indulging in a few beers. I've been really good at cutting down on caffeine and cutting out alcohol. But then vacation comes and know I'm totally worried that I have ruined everything with the few beers I've had in the last few days. Arrrggghhh! I know I shouldn't panic, but it seems with like if this cycle doesn't work then I'm going to blame it on the beer I had last night - I know paranoid, but I can't help it.

My other worry is that because we've had some crazy afternoons and late nights I haven't taken my dhea the same time I have been. I don't know exactly how this medication works, if it's like antibiotics that need to build up in your system or something. I'm still taking the right dosage, just sometimes closer together.

I think I just need to stop worrying and enjoy the rest of my vacation. I also need to get going now, dh is waiting for me - gotta get on with our day! Good to get this off my chest, maybe I'll have a beer to celebrate, just kidding :-)