4:30am

Can't sleep.  I apologize in advance if this is difficult to read, I don't think I'm going to go back and reread to correct for grammar, typos, or just to make sure it makes sense.  Well, today was our wtf appointment and as I feared we know nothing more than going in.  DH and I fall into that "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you so we'll blame it on your age and declining egg quality".  

We are now in the debating donor egg stage and I can't tell you how much it sucks.  One moment I am loving the 75-80% success rate the other minute I'm morning the loss of ever having a genetic child of my own.  

But, of course I still need to stay positive in al of this.  We paid for two cycles up front so we have one left in the bank.  Of course right after I got the bfn I was adamant that I could not go through another cycle and would put the left over $$ towards a donor cycle.  Well, my dh and mom told me to put the breaks on and not make any decisions when I am so emotional.  Not there words - they put it so much more delicately - but by did I hate it when they were telling me that.  They are sooo lucky that I love them so much and did not blow up at them.  I just sat and listened while the tears were falling. 

Well, here it is almost two weeks later - amazing how much that medication messes with my mind - and as much as I hate to admit it my mom and dh were right.   Although I am scared out of my mind to go through another cycle with my eggs - terrified of another disappointment - I would be more upset not knowing and always wondering.  

So, the way our RE put it is that since I did get pregnant with a FET but never with a fresh it could be something to do with my estrogen levels at time of transfer.   He should me the numbers: fresh my E2 is upwards of 4,000 - frozen more like 240.  He was explaining that sometimes in some women it makes a difference because the endometrium during a FET more closely resembles what condition it's in naturally.  So, this cycle we are going to be more agressive in trying for a FET.  In the past we've transferred the best three, now we might only transfer the best two and save more to try for freeze stage.  Right now we have 1 frozen embryo.  I'm hoping that this next cycle will be just like my others in that we've gotten 1-2 to freeze.  That's all we need.

OK good, getting tired now.  Can get back to bed.

Not so positive

Trying to cope with my third failed attempt - will be spending the next week figuring out what our next moves are to discuss at the upcoming WTF appointment next Monday.   Getting close to the end, never thought I would be here like this.

POAS

This would have been the first cycle that I tested before beta.  I don't know what made me want to tempt fate but, things were not in the cards for me anyway.  I was unable to purchase any hpt's today - like there were none in the store!    I planned on purchasing the cheap-o ones from the dollar store but after scanning the aisles for way too long I realized that there were none to be had.  I gave up.   Then my brain was telling me "Well, maybe this store doesn't carry them.  Maybe the other dollar store down the street does - I've seen them there before."  

So, I drive to the other store and make a beeline to the aisle with all the fem products and... nothing.  No tests!  I almost went to ask someone why they got rid of their pregnancy tests.   Weirdest thing.   I was done after that and I'm not normally into signs, and yes I could have run to one of the big drug stores, but I felt like this one yelled loud and clear - no testing before Thursday!

It's going to be hard to wait now that I've put the idea in my head of testing but sans any additional signs I think I can do it!

Feet Up

Books, movies, sleep, magazines, food, water, phone.  OK that is what I'm seeing from my perch right now and very grateful that my bedrest is happening over the w.e. b/c right now my dh is making me breakfast.  

My other transfers took place in the same rooms that I would get my ultrasounds in, but yesterday they took us into the part of the building I thought was reserved for retrievals and other surgeries.  For one horrific moment as we walked the same hallway I did 3 days prior I thought they made a mistake and thought I was there for an ER!  But, we passed the prep rooms without even a pause.  Where we ended up surprised me even more.  We went to a room labeled "Minor Surgery" and soon found out that it is right next door to where the embryo lab is.  When they opened the door, we even got a peek into the lab.  On other occasions the embryologist has to quickly walk the hallways of the building with our embies in a catheter (I'm sure hoping not to drop it or bump into anyone) to get to the exam room were in.  But this time, he only needed to pass through one door, he was there in a flash with the 3 embryos we choose to transfer. 

Of the five, 2 were at 8 cell and rated as good.  The rest were fair at 6 cel.  So, right now I am sitting here with my feet up cradling my two 8-celled and one 6-celled embryos.

Let the two week wait begin.

Breathing Easier

I can't thank enough those that commented.  Thank you for giving me the permission to rant and be as negative as possible.  Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in all of this. Thank you for providing those words of encouragement.   I know I haven't been commenting lately and so I want to also thank you for a kind of one-way leaning post.  

Well, as my cel rang this afternoon I sucked in my breath and didn't let it out until I heard that today's fert report shows 5 embryos.  I guess one more fertilized in the meantime.  They are of fair quality (on a good-fair-poor scale) some at 2-cell and some at 4-cell with minimal fragmentation.  A 3day transfer is on the books so I go in at 10am tomorrow morning.  I could have gone into work for a couple of hours, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate, besides I'll use the morning to get my nest ready for the next few days of lounging.  

Again, thank you for your support.  I want you to know that you also have mine - not always in words, but always in heart.

Watch Out....Depressing Post

I'm old and my eggs are old and decrepit.  I guess they stopped doing what they were supposed to do a long time ago.  I was looking at a container of crinkled blueberries the other day and just broke down - those are my eggs.  Dried up and crinkled.  

Got the fert report today, out of 25 eggs, 11 mature and 4 fertilized (those 4 are of fair to poor quality).  They are watching the other 7 but there is only a slim chance that they were just slow.  So, we are tentatively scheduled for a day 3 - tentative b/c we have to wait and see how many actually make it til Friday.  

I'm sorry but I need to be negative, since it seems like everyone around me is all, "I know that is a low number, but that's what we have to work with and it might work".  You know the "you only need one" crap.  I am soooo angry that we waited so long to start our family.  This whole infertility business started b/c of a sperm issue, but now it's escalated to an egg issue and having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever have a biological child of my own.  It's pissing me off and making me feel like I can't face anything or anyone.  

I made a huge mistake at work today taking the clinic call while I was in the middle of campus.  I didn't think it would be that bad.  So many people saw me crying and upset.  Which sucks because there is nothing else that makes me cry more when you have nice people asking if you are ok and if there is anything they can do to help - I know that they really mean it and I know that there is nothing they can do.  On top if it, most of these are women with kids (or pregnant), so I kind of don't even want to be talking with them. 

Oh and I now get to have some guilt.  I stopped taking the DHEA - did it really work?  I had a better fert rate when I was on it.  Uggggggghhhhhh!  This sucks so much.  I feel so alone here and I'm scared of Friday, hell, I'm scared of my day two report on Thursday.  This is my last fresh cycle, after this we have our final shot with donor eggs.  Which I still can't wrap my thoughts around completely.  

Is that it?  I think so.  Scared, frustrated, disappointed, angry, guilty - nope no positive thoughts here.   Sorry so negative and if it seems jumbled, I can't even reread it b/c I know I'll delete half of it.

Tuesday 9am

I just got back from the last bw / us before egg retrieval.   Things look good physically, and mentally, well, surprisingly, do I dare say, I feel somewhat calm?  I'm a little nervous, but not much more.  My second IVF & FET I was in a much more emotional state.  Who knows, come tomorrow (post lupron shot) I may feel quite a bit different.  

I'm worried about eqq quality.  I'm fortunate that my ovaries respond well to the medication, but I guess with my age, it is the quality of those eggs that suffers.  There is not much I can do but wait and see, which of course is the hardest part.  

Trigger tonight.  Tuesday 9am is right around the corner.  Quality over quantity.  Wait and see.