Got the fert report today, out of 25 eggs, 11 mature and 4 fertilized (those 4 are of fair to poor quality). They are watching the other 7 but there is only a slim chance that they were just slow. So, we are tentatively scheduled for a day 3 - tentative b/c we have to wait and see how many actually make it til Friday.
I'm sorry but I need to be negative, since it seems like everyone around me is all, "I know that is a low number, but that's what we have to work with and it might work". You know the "you only need one" crap. I am soooo angry that we waited so long to start our family. This whole infertility business started b/c of a sperm issue, but now it's escalated to an egg issue and having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever have a biological child of my own. It's pissing me off and making me feel like I can't face anything or anyone.
I made a huge mistake at work today taking the clinic call while I was in the middle of campus. I didn't think it would be that bad. So many people saw me crying and upset. Which sucks because there is nothing else that makes me cry more when you have nice people asking if you are ok and if there is anything they can do to help - I know that they really mean it and I know that there is nothing they can do. On top if it, most of these are women with kids (or pregnant), so I kind of don't even want to be talking with them.
Oh and I now get to have some guilt. I stopped taking the DHEA - did it really work? I had a better fert rate when I was on it. Uggggggghhhhhh! This sucks so much. I feel so alone here and I'm scared of Friday, hell, I'm scared of my day two report on Thursday. This is my last fresh cycle, after this we have our final shot with donor eggs. Which I still can't wrap my thoughts around completely.
Is that it? I think so. Scared, frustrated, disappointed, angry, guilty - nope no positive thoughts here. Sorry so negative and if it seems jumbled, I can't even reread it b/c I know I'll delete half of it.
5 comments:
You are entitled to be as negative as you want. Let it out, write about it - this is one of the best places to do it because so many of us know *exactly* where you are coming from.
We're always here to listen no matter what you need to write about. We know. We can relate. We can offer support.
Thinking of you during this difficult time and wishing you all the best, and peace in your heart.
Be negative if you need to be. This is your blog, and it's here to get your thoughts and feelings out. And we are here to listen to you and support you.
Your anger, guilt, and sadness are all so understandable right now. It's good to let it out.
Sending you a long-distance cyber hug: ((hug))
IF is frustrating, I think we are entitled to be negative...You have to work through that, can't keep it all bottled up or you will boil over!!! Vent away, we are here for you....Sending lots of cyber hugs your way tonight, hoping you feel just a bit better for getting it off your chest...sending LOTS of fabulous growing embyro thoughts out too!!
i agree with all the commenters - you have been through a tough time.. don't be anyone else than who you are.
I'm so so sorry.. i can only imagine how tough it was to get that news during your work day.
Thinking of you during this tough time.. hoping you get some good news soon..
Knowing how you feel and having been there really does you very little good right now. Sometimes positive thoughts and comforting words are just total BS. It just plain hurts!
Here for you, vent away.
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