No Budding Pumpkins

I got the BFN today.  Sad.  Disappointed.  Hurt.  Tired.  Dreading the painful cramps and the unrelenting not knowing why it didn't happen thoughts.   Right now I am just going through the motions, keeping myself going with the mundane things of life...laundry, dishes, lesson plans...

The worst part for me is I had this secret hope that I would be able to call my mom on her birthday (tomorrow) with some special news, not gonna happen.  I've been really lucky in that my mom is not one to ask every week when a grandkid will come along.  She's actually never really asked.  We've discussed it, but she's never pressed the issue.  When I told her about our IF she was really supportive and had the 'if it happens it happens' attitude.   I kept her updated during my first cycle, but for some reason this one I couldn't do it.  I ended up not telling anyone that I was going through another round.  I don't know which is better.

What's next for us?  Our follow-up with our RE isn't until 10/13 - I wish we didn't have to wait so long - I think he's going on vacation or something.  Well we have 3 frozen embies and I remember the RE mentioning that he likes to transfer 3 for an FET.   Our follow up is just over a week b4 my next expected visit from AF.  I don't know if I'll rest a cycle or what.  Maybe spend another month getting in shape mentally and physically.   Oh, how I wish I wasn't writing about this.

After that?  Right now I can't think that far.  Right now my brain is taken up by separating and folding clothes.  I think I might take a brake from blogging for a bit - I might do some lurking and comments, but for now this will be my last post for a bit.  Thanks to everyone who has posted comments and given me positive vibes - it helps to get through some of those tough spots.

Lazy Days Almost Done

I was considering going into work this morning, the tail end of my 72 hours bed rest.  I, well, DH and I, decided that I should just kick back with my feet up until the timer runs out, which will be around noon today.  It's funny, I keep thinking that at 12 o'clock I'm going to jump off the couch and start dancing or something.   Mondays & Wednesdays are long days for me in that I end up staying at work (an extra 2 hours) until I have to go to an evening class.  It's a traffic thing.  So, it'll be a nice transition back into my normal schedule to skip work today but still go to my evening class.

We had some good news over the w.e.  The embryologist called and told us that 2 embryos made it to freezing.  One was already hatching!  The other, although in early blastocyst stage, had good quality so he was confident it would do fine.   That puts us at 3 snowbabies, which is how many our RE likes to have to do a FET.

Beta day is Sept 23, day before my mom's birthday.  I didn't poas last time and I've read so many blogs posing both sides but I think I will wait this time as well.  I know it sounds really crazy, but if I get a positive beta I'm going to go and poas, just so I can see that positive - I guess I'm just a little too nervous to do it before hand.

24 hours in

Yesterday at this time I was experiencing a form of bliss.   I was lying down listening to pleasant music out of a dream, all light drums, chimes, and string instruments.   I was warm and comfortable and feeling very light.  I wasn't thinking about being nervous or about all the things that could go wrong - did my morulae stop developing?  The "what if?" questions seemed to slip away and I focused on the positive, I actually felt like everything was going to be alright.   I again decided to have a session of acupuncture right before my transfer.  Of course for every minute we had to sit and wait in the transfer room for the doctor and embryologist, I lost an ounce of relaxation I had gained.  Luckily we didn't have to wait that long :-)

My last post I questioned if this cycle was going to be different.  Well, up until ER, everything was mostly the same, and my outlook was anything but positive.  But, things took a left turn after my retrieval on Sunday.  They retrieved 4 more eggs (27).  Good.   Sunday afternoon & night, very constipated.  Bad.  Monday, a little constipated and quite a bit of discomfort moving and walking.  Not good.  Oh, and PIO shots hurting a lot more.  Bad.  Find that belly button is bruised.  What?  Weird.  Doesn't hurt, so not good or bad, just weird.  And finally the day one embie report: 10 fertilized!  Yeah!  We had 8 last time.  Great!  Then came the day 2 "decision day":  We were going for a 5 day transfer.   Another difference - great!  Oh and one weird report.  Of our 10, the day three report came back with them at 3,4,5,6,7, and 8 celled.  All in order weird huh?

Well, by day four we had 2 morulae and 2 compacting and yesterday we had 3 blasts with 1 morulae and 1 compacting.  We ended up transferring 3 blasts!  I had heard that they don't like to transfer more than two blasts, but since only one of ours was of a 'good-good' quality they decided to increase our chances.  Our clinic uses a good-fair-poor quality scale on first the cells that will make up the fetus, then a second grade for the cells that make up the placenta.  I've read about the other blastocyst grading system using a number then two letters (like 4AA), seems to give a little bit more info, but I guess I'm not sure what I would do with that!  Maybe sometimes less is better?

I found a cool site that gives lots of pictures of eggs and embryos at the different stages.   Of course I spent the morning comparing my pictures with theirs - to be honest, I can't tell what I'm looking at!

It seems like a really good clinic, is there is anyone who has been to this one in Chicago?

  

http://www.advancedfertility.com/blastocystimages.htm

So, here I sit relaxing and waiting on the couch, trying not to analyze every twinge.  TV, reading, video games, some work, and of course blogging...

Oh, the doctor told me what caused my belly button (it sounds so kid-like to call it that, but I have no idea what else to call it) to bruise - during the retrival the needle must have nicked something and some blood moved up the ligaments that attach the belly button to the uterus.   He hasn't seen it often, has this happened to anyone else?