What's Next?

I want to say thank you for all your comments.  I've stopped telling my friends about my cycles.  Some people I've not mentioned anything at all, others I only tell them I'm cycling but not any details - I guess I've realized they don't really understand.  Blogging is really the only way I can really express how I'm feeling.  So, thank you for being there.

The last two days were pretty rough, but I seem to be coming out of it.  A lot quicker than I did my last failed cycles.  For me this is a very frustrating time, in between cycles.  Part of me wants to crawl in bed and pull the sheets up over my head, cry and wish I was pregnant.  The more rational part of me knows I should get out and go for a walk/run, get some good veggies from the farmer's market, and go to a poker game with friends this w.e.  Right now I'm not sure if I'm ready to fully embrace rational me, especially being social, going back to bed sounds like a pretty good idea right now.

What's next?  Well, as I mentioned before I'm in a holding pattern before the FET.  I should be getting AF in the next couple of days, but can't start meds for a FET right away - I need to rest one cycle.  I'm usually pretty regular so I'm probably looking at starting meds the end of September.  We also have a telephone WTF consult with the RE in a couple of weeks, not really sure what will be said, but it will be good to touch base.  

Actually, going back to bed is not really an option, I have some reports to write up.  I hate it when life forces you out from under those sheets.

Got the early call

BFN

Didn't know I could feel this numb.  

Until tomorrow morning

Beta is tomorrow at 9am - can I make it through the night?  I am hoping for a late afternoon call.  It's not a definite rule, but I think if the test is negative they call early, but if it's positive they wait for progesterone results.   

Here's hoping for a 3pm or later call.  If that "rule" is off I can also tell by the tone of the "Hi" by the nurse - one word says it all.  

Who Needs Sleep?

I can't believe that I am up at 1:20 in the morning.  What the hell am I doing up right now?  I read somewhere that sleeplessness can occur if you are hungry or thirsty and that by getting a drink or a light snack will help you get back to sleep.  OK I'll buy that as my stomach is growling, but I think I am still leaning on the good ol' fall guy of stress as the sleep stealer.

During the day I think my mind is busy enough not to get too bogged down on the worry of everything being a crap shoot, actually I've been quite happy these days.  But, at night while staring at the ceiling watching the clock advance minute by excruciatingly slow minute my mind is free to ponder all the "what ifs" and "how comes" and "why me's?"   

Oh well, I need to deal with it so I can get back to sleep!  Working on it.  Today is 7dp5dt and other than the typical (aka try not to analyze them) PIO symptoms I get (feeling like period, tender tatas) all is well that will hopefully end well.  

2dp5dt

Final day of "bed rest" or the milking what I can get out of my dh - just kidding, he's been wonderful and I've actually had to remind him that it isn't a strict bed rest that I'm just supposed to be taking it easy and not strapped down to the couch.

I'm of course trying not to have anxiety attacks over every twinge I feel and making sure I remind myself that the PIO is the mother of all or most of my "symptoms".  I'm sure most of the ovulary twinges I'm feeling are my ovaries shrinking back to a normal size - I feel it on both sides.   It wasn't until Thursday and yesterday that I was finally able to move without any feelings of discomfort from the retrieval.   So, I guess I kinda did need the extra days in bed.  

Oh, I forgot to mention that my navel is bruised again - it happened before during ivf#2.  Weird, something gets nicked during the retrieval and blood travels up a no longer used ligament from the uterus to my navel.  Very strange.  No pain, just strange discoloration.  

So, we do have some good news.  11 of the embryos made it to freeze quality!  9 are of a good-good quality & 2 at a fair-fair quality.  I cried after I hung up the phone.  We did it!  If you haven't read my previous posts, dh and I are really aiming for a FET.   I've only ever had success with a FET - my RE says it may be that my E2 levels are too high during a fresh and don't make the best uterine environment for my embies.  Well, we have a few chances now with frozens if this fresh doesn't work.   But, oh do I hope this fresh works.

Let the 2ww Commence

2 blastocysts on board!  After each retrieval they were always so sure that I would do a 5 day transfer (I've been blessed with good response) and always surprised when by day 2 the quality of the embryos wasn't there (dare I say I've been cursed with poor quality).  So, for ivf#2 and ivf #4 I am so grateful to have made it to a 5 day transfer - at this clinic that's a sign that your embyos are of a good quality (good-fair-poor scale).  I kinda wished this clinic used the #AA system, it seems to give more information - maybe at my follow-up I'll ask why they don't use it. 

So, what was their quality today?  We had 3 blastocyst of good to fair quality.  Another 11 were still compacting and although it's a little difficult for them to judge quality, they are pretty hopeful that some more with make it to good enough quality blasts to freeze.  Fingers are crossed!   The remaining 4 have slowed and they don't expect those to continue.

I am being cautiously optimistic since, maybe a little jaded by my past experiences, or maybe just being realistic.  But, the RE (Dr. Meticulous again as my RE was still on vacation) is so good natured and just seemed to have such a positive vibe going from the minute we stepped into the room that I'm sitting here actually thinking this could work.   I got the impression that Dr. Meticulous wants to gloat a little to his partner, a "see what we did while you were gone!" Well, he did retrieve a dozen more eggs out of me!  Let's hope his magic touch continues.   Beta 8/17...

Egg Report

Saturday's retrieval went well, I had the other RE at my clinic doing the procedure.  I really like him and during check-in he told us that he was going to carefully probe each follicle and let's call him Dr. Meticulous.  He took out 39 eggs, and let's just say I am still in bed with my feet up feeling very tender.  This is the first retrieval I've had to take vicodin for the pain.   

As for the report, 24 mature and 18 fertilized!  Best fertilization rate (75%) we've ever gotten, our last best cycle 62% of the mature eggs took the ICSI bait.  I'll get another call tomorrow with numbers of how many are still dividing and their quality.  Fingers, toes & maybe even my ovaries are crossed!