Showing posts with label bfn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bfn. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

No Budding Pumpkins

I got the BFN today.  Sad.  Disappointed.  Hurt.  Tired.  Dreading the painful cramps and the unrelenting not knowing why it didn't happen thoughts.   Right now I am just going through the motions, keeping myself going with the mundane things of life...laundry, dishes, lesson plans...

The worst part for me is I had this secret hope that I would be able to call my mom on her birthday (tomorrow) with some special news, not gonna happen.  I've been really lucky in that my mom is not one to ask every week when a grandkid will come along.  She's actually never really asked.  We've discussed it, but she's never pressed the issue.  When I told her about our IF she was really supportive and had the 'if it happens it happens' attitude.   I kept her updated during my first cycle, but for some reason this one I couldn't do it.  I ended up not telling anyone that I was going through another round.  I don't know which is better.

What's next for us?  Our follow-up with our RE isn't until 10/13 - I wish we didn't have to wait so long - I think he's going on vacation or something.  Well we have 3 frozen embies and I remember the RE mentioning that he likes to transfer 3 for an FET.   Our follow up is just over a week b4 my next expected visit from AF.  I don't know if I'll rest a cycle or what.  Maybe spend another month getting in shape mentally and physically.   Oh, how I wish I wasn't writing about this.

After that?  Right now I can't think that far.  Right now my brain is taken up by separating and folding clothes.  I think I might take a brake from blogging for a bit - I might do some lurking and comments, but for now this will be my last post for a bit.  Thanks to everyone who has posted comments and given me positive vibes - it helps to get through some of those tough spots.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Growing Pumpkins

It seems that everything I see has a connection to our recently failed IVF cycle. For example, and the reason for the name of this blog, is our pumpkin plant. I watched this plant grow and produce a multitude of flowers and buds along with my first IVF cycle (I had 23 eggs retrieved, 18 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 transferred, 1 frozen). I kept watch during my TWW as, right around the time of my transfer, one of the many flowers produced a cute little green pumpkin bud. Well, I kept an eye on that one and watched it develop and grow - even after my BFN on June 24th.

I'm not sure why this plant gives me the hope I need. Is it as easy as realizing that one bud actually survived and will develop into a viable pumpkin. One out of the dozens of cute little green buds that after a day or two usually turn yellow, wither and fall to the ground? Maybe. It hit me hard that so many of the pumpkin's attempts fail...just like my "buds" did. But, then I see the one that did make it. The one that made it is now an orange soccer-ball size of hope.



So, where am I now? Fertilizing. No, not the pumpkin, me. For two months I will take 75mg a day of DHEA in hopes of improving egg quality which in turn may help everything else. We'll see. At 36 I guess I shouldn't really be all that surprised that egg quality is an issue.

DHEA, is it false hope or will it really help my flowers and buds?