The $578 jab

Just a quick update.

I started my lupron depot treatment last night with, you read correctly, one injection costing almost $600!  So I had my dh come with me to double check everything I was doing.  Even though I've mixed ganirelix and menopur dozens of times and injected myself in the butt over a hundred times with PIO it was still disconcerting to have only one chance at this.  It kinda reminded me of the anxiety I feel when taking the trigger shot - you've got only one shot and it has to be done right.  Talk about pressure!

Well, it went without a hitch and guess what the side effects are with lupron depot 3.75mg?  Menopausal symptoms - oh joy!  Of course not all women experience it but if I do I should start seeing symptoms in 1-2 weeks.  I'll keep ya posted - or maybe I shouldn't be posting in that condition :-)

So, next shot will be in 28 days.  That'll give me time to look for a cheaper shot from abroad.  I'm in So. Cal and I've been looking into online pharmacies from Canada & the UK.  Any one have any experience using a prescription from the US and buying meds from another country?  Any recommendations of online pharmacies (I've got ivfmeds.com and northwestpharmacy.com)

Curve Ball

Actually two curve balls were thrown our way so now I have a new plan of action.  First is the cost of the edometrail biopsy - $763!  A test that may not really be telling us any answers.  It's  close to the cost of meds for an FET.  And it's for my RE's professional curiosity!  

Second curve ball, one that makes the biopsy a moot point - I haven't gotten a positive LH surge and they can't schedule the biopsy without knowing what day I ovulated.  Grrrrr.  This morning, day 16, still no happy face on the OPK stick.   I started testing too late because my WTF call was on day 13 and I didn't know I was going to have to figure all this out so I think we may have missed our LH surge window.  

So between these two issues I won't be having the EB this month.  My dh and I almost think that this is OK since the cost is so high.  Our newest plan of action is to just go ahead with the two month depot lupron treatment to reset my lining.  This is the "fix", it's just two months, and according to my RE it won't have a negative effect on my lining if I didn't really need it.  I know that depot lupron is pricey, but for some reason it seems a little easier to swallow.

I hate that our FET is now pushed back until Oct/Nov and had some emotional set backs yesterday.  One included crying hysterically after I got an error message on the OPK (yeah clear blue easy-wasn't so easy), ran out of pee and had to wait until mid morning to retest.   Now, that I've written it down, I know what we are doing the next couple of months I feel a bit better. One of the most difficult parts of this whole IF journey for me is not knowing (2ww, next protocol, can I/when will I cycle again?, test results).  But having a goal, having something to reach for makes greeting each day that much easier.

WTF Consult

Just finished my obligatory WTF phone consult with our RE and I really thought it would be a quick phone call, but we ended up covering more than our upcoming FET.

Since my last fresh cycle went well my RE is now backing away from the egg quality issue.  What!? He also put egg donation on the far back burner and turned off the gas.  What!?  My embryo quality has always been good and now with egg quality, at least for this cycle, not an issue he is now considering my uterus as the culprit.  Whoa!  This is when he threw out the term surrogacy which I didn't expect.  Wait!!

So, here we are looking at uterine issues and naturally I asked "Is there a test to find out what is wrong?"  Of course there is one that is controversial, an endometrial biopsy.  This test looks for something called integrin cell adhesion molecules that should be present in my lining that are present in fertile women.  I tried typing out why it's controversial but it gets all jumbled up, basically it's because of the lack of supporting studies.   He mentioned that in a room of 10 RE's only about 3 or 4 would suggest it.  I liked his honesty about it not being a highly recommended test, but hey when we don't know what the hell is going on what do we have to lose - except the cash of course.

My next question was "Can it be fixed?"  This one was an easier answer.  Yes!  Now I can't remember exactly what he called it but basically it's regrowing my lining.  It takes two months, where my lining is reduced to its bare minimum (using Lupron - one of the most fun IF drugs) then using, I believe, estrace (another fun one!) to grow it back.  There are more studies showing that this treatment actually works and the integrins they want are there in something like 87% of the women tested.  

Since my RE has a "professional curiosity" (does that mean I don't pay for the test? JK) I will be getting the biopsy done.  If it does show I lack the integrins we will scrap the FET and do the two month regrowing of my lining.  If it's fine we go ahead with the FET.   I am so hoping for a positive test.  I don't want any more issues.  I'm done waiting.   I'm ready to be a mom.

What's Next?

I want to say thank you for all your comments.  I've stopped telling my friends about my cycles.  Some people I've not mentioned anything at all, others I only tell them I'm cycling but not any details - I guess I've realized they don't really understand.  Blogging is really the only way I can really express how I'm feeling.  So, thank you for being there.

The last two days were pretty rough, but I seem to be coming out of it.  A lot quicker than I did my last failed cycles.  For me this is a very frustrating time, in between cycles.  Part of me wants to crawl in bed and pull the sheets up over my head, cry and wish I was pregnant.  The more rational part of me knows I should get out and go for a walk/run, get some good veggies from the farmer's market, and go to a poker game with friends this w.e.  Right now I'm not sure if I'm ready to fully embrace rational me, especially being social, going back to bed sounds like a pretty good idea right now.

What's next?  Well, as I mentioned before I'm in a holding pattern before the FET.  I should be getting AF in the next couple of days, but can't start meds for a FET right away - I need to rest one cycle.  I'm usually pretty regular so I'm probably looking at starting meds the end of September.  We also have a telephone WTF consult with the RE in a couple of weeks, not really sure what will be said, but it will be good to touch base.  

Actually, going back to bed is not really an option, I have some reports to write up.  I hate it when life forces you out from under those sheets.

Got the early call

BFN

Didn't know I could feel this numb.  

Until tomorrow morning

Beta is tomorrow at 9am - can I make it through the night?  I am hoping for a late afternoon call.  It's not a definite rule, but I think if the test is negative they call early, but if it's positive they wait for progesterone results.   

Here's hoping for a 3pm or later call.  If that "rule" is off I can also tell by the tone of the "Hi" by the nurse - one word says it all.  

Who Needs Sleep?

I can't believe that I am up at 1:20 in the morning.  What the hell am I doing up right now?  I read somewhere that sleeplessness can occur if you are hungry or thirsty and that by getting a drink or a light snack will help you get back to sleep.  OK I'll buy that as my stomach is growling, but I think I am still leaning on the good ol' fall guy of stress as the sleep stealer.

During the day I think my mind is busy enough not to get too bogged down on the worry of everything being a crap shoot, actually I've been quite happy these days.  But, at night while staring at the ceiling watching the clock advance minute by excruciatingly slow minute my mind is free to ponder all the "what ifs" and "how comes" and "why me's?"   

Oh well, I need to deal with it so I can get back to sleep!  Working on it.  Today is 7dp5dt and other than the typical (aka try not to analyze them) PIO symptoms I get (feeling like period, tender tatas) all is well that will hopefully end well.