Egg Report

Saturday's retrieval went well, I had the other RE at my clinic doing the procedure.  I really like him and during check-in he told us that he was going to carefully probe each follicle and let's call him Dr. Meticulous.  He took out 39 eggs, and let's just say I am still in bed with my feet up feeling very tender.  This is the first retrieval I've had to take vicodin for the pain.   

As for the report, 24 mature and 18 fertilized!  Best fertilization rate (75%) we've ever gotten, our last best cycle 62% of the mature eggs took the ICSI bait.  I'll get another call tomorrow with numbers of how many are still dividing and their quality.  Fingers, toes & maybe even my ovaries are crossed!

Retrieval Eve

I'm feeling quite anxious on this eve of the next stage of my ivf plan.   I've gone through another round of a multitude of poking and prodding and am now anticipating a  4th round of trauma to my ovaries - which will actually be my last.  After this no more stimming, no more follicle count, no more triggering, no more aspirating - well, of my own anyhow.  Whew.

I'm still game for shooting up with PIO and popping pills, but after tomorrow I'm done with my ovaries taking the hits.  Next up will be us searching for eggs like some surreal Easter egg hunt, but as I said before DE is our back up plan, on an as needed basis.

So, I feel like I'm realistically optimistic about this cycle.  Actually I feel pretty numb about this cycle, I think it's difficult to be closing this door yet hard to write about how I'm feeling since I feel like it's one of those revolving doors.  My emotions seem to be going around in circles alternating between eagerness for this to be over and move on to hope that this 'last good egg' could actually work.

And we're off!

Or maybe I've already been in the running, it depends on when you think the official start of the cycle is.  I like to think the it's with the first pill I take that screws with my hormones, so for me that was on Monday when I took my first estrace.  I don't know what it was about this time, but the estrace gave me some headaches and some major crabbiness - it was like PMSx10 being on those.  I hope I'm coming down from that estrogen rush.  

So, I had my first b/w a

nd u/s today as AF came yesterday, a few days ahead of schedule.  Things look good and I begin taking more hormonal screwing drugs on Sunday night - gotta love it!  Actually the fol.listim seems to just do it's job on my follicles, it doesn't mess with my mind :-)  

That's it for ivf related stuff.  In these times of So. Cal's drought my husband and I decided to get rid of the grass in our front yard and plant drought tolerant/resistant plants.  We've passed the first stage - removal of the grass 

and now have a good ol' yard-of-dirt.  I've purchased the plants and now we are ready to start planning where everythi

ng will go, but of course it's too damn hot here to be outside - especially in the direct 90+ degrees sun.  We are limited to a few early morning and evening hours when it's cool enough that you are not sweating bullets just standing there.   Here are the b-4 and after grass pics.  

Before:

After:

Not much longer now...

...until my 4th cycle begins.  Way nervous, but ready.  I've been exercising and eating better, not expecting it to make a lot of difference, but just to make me feel better.  As I mentioned before we are focusing on getting to a FET and that seems to be taking the pressure off this fresh cycle.  Poppy asked why not do a transfer with the one frozen we have, we're not based on RE's recommendation, but we will if we don't get any to freeze from this fresh cycle.   Well, I start my medication, estrace, in a little over a week.  After that things are going to fly by.  If this cycle is anything like the last three - I'll be doing ER and ET around the 1st or 2nd week of August.  Wow.

So, DH and I just came back from a long w.e. road trip and my cousin, who we were staying with, asked the "when are you going to start a family" question. I saw it coming as she was dropping hints from the minute we got there. I told her we were having problems and didn't want to talk about it. Well it turns out her first dd is from ivf - 18 mos of treatments. Since it took all w.e. for her to ask the question (asked the night before we were leaving) we didn't get a chance to talk about it so I don't know the details.

I'm a little weary of opening up a dialogue with her - I don't know if I want to let her all the way in. We're family but I'm not sure how close we are. I am curious though as her dd is 19. I need to think on it for a while to see and it would also be different if we were logistically close, she's about a 8 hour drive away.

On a side note, I've been keeping tabs on one of the donors at our clinic.  Although she was unproven, the donor coordinator said she was in the middle of her first cycle and since she fit what we are looking for I kept track of her cycle.  Well, it failed.   36 eggs no pregnancy (lots to freeze though, and won't know about those until the recipient decides on an FET).  DH and I know that we will only go with a proven donor and it would have worked out time-wise if she had a successful cycle.   I'm a little disappointed but since a donor cycle is still some time in the future I'm not letting it worry me.  Besides a lot could happen between now and then.

4:30am

Can't sleep.  I apologize in advance if this is difficult to read, I don't think I'm going to go back and reread to correct for grammar, typos, or just to make sure it makes sense.  Well, today was our wtf appointment and as I feared we know nothing more than going in.  DH and I fall into that "we don't know what the hell is wrong with you so we'll blame it on your age and declining egg quality".  

We are now in the debating donor egg stage and I can't tell you how much it sucks.  One moment I am loving the 75-80% success rate the other minute I'm morning the loss of ever having a genetic child of my own.  

But, of course I still need to stay positive in al of this.  We paid for two cycles up front so we have one left in the bank.  Of course right after I got the bfn I was adamant that I could not go through another cycle and would put the left over $$ towards a donor cycle.  Well, my dh and mom told me to put the breaks on and not make any decisions when I am so emotional.  Not there words - they put it so much more delicately - but by did I hate it when they were telling me that.  They are sooo lucky that I love them so much and did not blow up at them.  I just sat and listened while the tears were falling. 

Well, here it is almost two weeks later - amazing how much that medication messes with my mind - and as much as I hate to admit it my mom and dh were right.   Although I am scared out of my mind to go through another cycle with my eggs - terrified of another disappointment - I would be more upset not knowing and always wondering.  

So, the way our RE put it is that since I did get pregnant with a FET but never with a fresh it could be something to do with my estrogen levels at time of transfer.   He should me the numbers: fresh my E2 is upwards of 4,000 - frozen more like 240.  He was explaining that sometimes in some women it makes a difference because the endometrium during a FET more closely resembles what condition it's in naturally.  So, this cycle we are going to be more agressive in trying for a FET.  In the past we've transferred the best three, now we might only transfer the best two and save more to try for freeze stage.  Right now we have 1 frozen embryo.  I'm hoping that this next cycle will be just like my others in that we've gotten 1-2 to freeze.  That's all we need.

OK good, getting tired now.  Can get back to bed.

Not so positive

Trying to cope with my third failed attempt - will be spending the next week figuring out what our next moves are to discuss at the upcoming WTF appointment next Monday.   Getting close to the end, never thought I would be here like this.

POAS

This would have been the first cycle that I tested before beta.  I don't know what made me want to tempt fate but, things were not in the cards for me anyway.  I was unable to purchase any hpt's today - like there were none in the store!    I planned on purchasing the cheap-o ones from the dollar store but after scanning the aisles for way too long I realized that there were none to be had.  I gave up.   Then my brain was telling me "Well, maybe this store doesn't carry them.  Maybe the other dollar store down the street does - I've seen them there before."  

So, I drive to the other store and make a beeline to the aisle with all the fem products and... nothing.  No tests!  I almost went to ask someone why they got rid of their pregnancy tests.   Weirdest thing.   I was done after that and I'm not normally into signs, and yes I could have run to one of the big drug stores, but I felt like this one yelled loud and clear - no testing before Thursday!

It's going to be hard to wait now that I've put the idea in my head of testing but sans any additional signs I think I can do it!