Feet Up

Books, movies, sleep, magazines, food, water, phone.  OK that is what I'm seeing from my perch right now and very grateful that my bedrest is happening over the w.e. b/c right now my dh is making me breakfast.  

My other transfers took place in the same rooms that I would get my ultrasounds in, but yesterday they took us into the part of the building I thought was reserved for retrievals and other surgeries.  For one horrific moment as we walked the same hallway I did 3 days prior I thought they made a mistake and thought I was there for an ER!  But, we passed the prep rooms without even a pause.  Where we ended up surprised me even more.  We went to a room labeled "Minor Surgery" and soon found out that it is right next door to where the embryo lab is.  When they opened the door, we even got a peek into the lab.  On other occasions the embryologist has to quickly walk the hallways of the building with our embies in a catheter (I'm sure hoping not to drop it or bump into anyone) to get to the exam room were in.  But this time, he only needed to pass through one door, he was there in a flash with the 3 embryos we choose to transfer. 

Of the five, 2 were at 8 cell and rated as good.  The rest were fair at 6 cel.  So, right now I am sitting here with my feet up cradling my two 8-celled and one 6-celled embryos.

Let the two week wait begin.

Breathing Easier

I can't thank enough those that commented.  Thank you for giving me the permission to rant and be as negative as possible.  Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in all of this. Thank you for providing those words of encouragement.   I know I haven't been commenting lately and so I want to also thank you for a kind of one-way leaning post.  

Well, as my cel rang this afternoon I sucked in my breath and didn't let it out until I heard that today's fert report shows 5 embryos.  I guess one more fertilized in the meantime.  They are of fair quality (on a good-fair-poor scale) some at 2-cell and some at 4-cell with minimal fragmentation.  A 3day transfer is on the books so I go in at 10am tomorrow morning.  I could have gone into work for a couple of hours, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate, besides I'll use the morning to get my nest ready for the next few days of lounging.  

Again, thank you for your support.  I want you to know that you also have mine - not always in words, but always in heart.

Watch Out....Depressing Post

I'm old and my eggs are old and decrepit.  I guess they stopped doing what they were supposed to do a long time ago.  I was looking at a container of crinkled blueberries the other day and just broke down - those are my eggs.  Dried up and crinkled.  

Got the fert report today, out of 25 eggs, 11 mature and 4 fertilized (those 4 are of fair to poor quality).  They are watching the other 7 but there is only a slim chance that they were just slow.  So, we are tentatively scheduled for a day 3 - tentative b/c we have to wait and see how many actually make it til Friday.  

I'm sorry but I need to be negative, since it seems like everyone around me is all, "I know that is a low number, but that's what we have to work with and it might work".  You know the "you only need one" crap.  I am soooo angry that we waited so long to start our family.  This whole infertility business started b/c of a sperm issue, but now it's escalated to an egg issue and having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever have a biological child of my own.  It's pissing me off and making me feel like I can't face anything or anyone.  

I made a huge mistake at work today taking the clinic call while I was in the middle of campus.  I didn't think it would be that bad.  So many people saw me crying and upset.  Which sucks because there is nothing else that makes me cry more when you have nice people asking if you are ok and if there is anything they can do to help - I know that they really mean it and I know that there is nothing they can do.  On top if it, most of these are women with kids (or pregnant), so I kind of don't even want to be talking with them. 

Oh and I now get to have some guilt.  I stopped taking the DHEA - did it really work?  I had a better fert rate when I was on it.  Uggggggghhhhhh!  This sucks so much.  I feel so alone here and I'm scared of Friday, hell, I'm scared of my day two report on Thursday.  This is my last fresh cycle, after this we have our final shot with donor eggs.  Which I still can't wrap my thoughts around completely.  

Is that it?  I think so.  Scared, frustrated, disappointed, angry, guilty - nope no positive thoughts here.   Sorry so negative and if it seems jumbled, I can't even reread it b/c I know I'll delete half of it.

Tuesday 9am

I just got back from the last bw / us before egg retrieval.   Things look good physically, and mentally, well, surprisingly, do I dare say, I feel somewhat calm?  I'm a little nervous, but not much more.  My second IVF & FET I was in a much more emotional state.  Who knows, come tomorrow (post lupron shot) I may feel quite a bit different.  

I'm worried about eqq quality.  I'm fortunate that my ovaries respond well to the medication, but I guess with my age, it is the quality of those eggs that suffers.  There is not much I can do but wait and see, which of course is the hardest part.  

Trigger tonight.  Tuesday 9am is right around the corner.  Quality over quantity.  Wait and see.  

3rd Attempt

Well, here I am, quick rundown of all the waiting I had to do to get to here. 

• Waited to hear if my husband was laid off or not - thankfully no.  
  
• Waited to hear the results if I had a false positive for HTLV - yes, thankfully it was a false positive.
  
• Waited for AF to arrive - and she did a day early!  

I guess some of those events could have made for an interesting post or two...sorry.

Today was day one of my 3rd IVF attempt.  "How did things get this far? Why am I doing this again?"  These questions plagued me all day - from the minute I stepped back into the clinic this morning to standing in line at the pharmacy for my big bag-o-medication to writing an email to my principal telling her of all the upcoming dates I'll be missing from work.  Well, I have realized that there are no answers to these questions and as long as I stop asking myself I'll be more open to seeing this cycle for what it is - another chance - the possibility of Hope.

So, I had my baseline ultrasound today and everything is o.k.  I go ahead with my protocol of follistim starting tomorrow (my last two cycles I was on follistim for about 11 days) with u/s and b/w appointments scattered amongst those 11 days, followed by Menopur, then my Lupron trigger.  I don't take birth control pills (something to do with my high blood pressure) so my ivf cycles fly by like the wind.  My earliest date for ER is 5/3, less than two weeks away.  Yikes.

I have some guilt though.  I didn't follow my doctor's instructions.  He told me to continue taking DHEA, but that supplement is doom and gloom in a bottle.  I had terrible acne, weight gain, mood swings, and just an overall feeling of doom and gloom - when I told the nurse that I had stopped taking it she didn't seem all that concerned and mentioned that it is all theoretical anyway and there is a possibility that the doses that I did take did something.  Who knows?  It's another wait and see game that we'll never know the outcome for sure.  I would have been on DHEA for almost 7 months - at a dose 3x what is suggested on the bottle.  

Actually after my miscarriage I stopped taking everything, even my high blood pressure meds - I know really bad - but, well, at that point I was finding it difficult to do any day to day stuff.  So one morning, after I got back on my horse, I remember reaching for the DHEA bottle and something just made me not want to take it anymore - so I didn't.  

Thank you so much for all your kind words, there are so many crying signs on this ivf journey, it's comforting words that can make all the difference.  

So, I changed my mind, I don't think I want to replay my last FET cycle.  I know that it's pretty scary to get wisdom from a TV show, but I was watching this show called John Doe.  It's about a guy who wakes up with no memory of who he is but knows EVERYTHING in the world.  I know, kooky premise, but what can you do when you want to be a couch potato.  So, anyway, one of the characters is telling this John Doe that he needs to make new memories and not lose himself trying to recapture the past.  She plays some kind of brain doc and she said that the patients she sees that recover the best are always those that "stop looking in the rearview mirror and focus on what lies ahead."   

I will never forget, and I don't want to, but I think I'm going to look to what will be next.  So, what's next?  Two things.  One I am waiting for AF (we are always waiting for something right). Two, I'm working on being social again, without the tears or moodiness.   Not doing the best job on that as last week I cried at my SIL's and last night I bailed on going to the movies with a friend.  Well, my dh wasn't too keen on going either so I had an easy out.  

To borrow from Evergreen:

What am I grateful for?

-Hulu (unlimited shows - we don't have cable)

-my job

-my purring cat on my lap

How will I take care of myself?

-going to the gym after this post

-trying to eat healthy - no more skipping lunch

-watch less Hulu :-)

What is going on?

I know much time has passed since I last wrote and yes quite a bit has happened. Good and bad. As I start writing this I'm not sure if I want to give the quick and dirty story or a long drawn out one over a few posts. I guess I could do both.

I've been keeping up with many of your blogs and I've seen some heartache and for a while I just couldn't bring myself to add to it. But, amidst the disappointments I saw such great strength, support and hope. Over the last weeks I have been lurking (yes I saw nutshells post :-), reading and commiserating, but silently, and I'm ready to start being a part of the blogging life again.

So, the quick and dirty.
Nov 21st. FET Tx 3 embies - FET's so much easier on the body!
Dec. 2 Beta 1 ----BFP! @451
Dec 4 Beta 2 --- 862!
Dec 16 1st us - saw heartbeat 6w3d
Dec 23 2nd us - found two heartbeats! Woah! Identical Twins! Best Christmas presents ever!
Dec 30 3rd/final us w/ RE - no heartbeats - Worst New Years ever
Dec 30 -- D&C
Jan 15 -- Chromosome Analysis - Normal Female Karyotype -- girls! But, what happened? Why? Questions that will forever plague me.

That's it. That is where I am now, missing my girls I lost between 7 and 8 weeks. I haven't cried in a few days and I can get through most days without feeling too discouraged. I think I've come a ways, because two weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to type this post. I will try over the next week (I'm not the best blogger) to post some details, and what is up and coming for me - first steps are my follow-up appointments with my doctors.

I will leave with a poem by Emily Dickinson my mom sent me:

Hope
is the thing
with feathers
that perches
in the soul
and sings the tune
without words
and never stops
-at all