BFN

BFN - so tired of this.

Weekend Anxiety

I just need to make it through the w.e. This week, although off of work, was full of distractions because of Thanksgiving. Now that's over and my beta looming over me come Monday, I'm a jumble of nerves right now. I haven't been sleeping and I've found myself on more than one occasion wandering the house - and that's just this morning since I've been awake.

I have decided not to poas. I just know how depressed I will be for the next two days if it is not a "+". I won't want to take my meds and will be miserable around my dh (who by the way does not recommend my poas - I think because he knows me so well). So, I believe it is this decision that is the reason for my anxiety. I'm pretty sure I can wait, I just need to make sure that I keep myself busy. Not too difficult during the day, but at 3am, with it so quiet, it's my thoughts that seem to overwhelm me. I've logged quite a few early morning hours on Hulu, a video streaming site, watching old episodes of SNL and a David Duchovny romantic movie (strange, I know) called Return to Me. Lucky for me only two more sleepless nights.

Bed Rest Day 3

Once again my cat is on my lap, although in a much more awkward position, my laptop is closer to my knees so my cat can fit on my lap. He's making it quite difficult to type comfortably - but I don't care it's such a cozy feeling and, he's totally spoiled. Oh, he just jumped off leaving behind a cool void and me wanting him to come back. But for right now, I've moved the laptop closer and can type without disturbing the king of the castle.

Day 2 was pretty uneventful. Symptom watch is pretty quiet. I have only had the "period coming" feeling which I know is from the PIO. I no longer pay attention to it, me the now veteran IVFer. What does it mean to be a veteran IVFer? Is it going forward after even just one failed cycle? I believe a person in the military is considered a veteran after one tour of duty - using that definition then yes. But for me, I don't think I considered myself a 'veteran' until after my 3rd failed cycle. Part of that was because my RE mentioned that in ART if a treatment doesn't work by the 3rd time, then statistically the chances are it won't work. So, my going forward after my 3rd (4th transfer) was like continuing to fight and win a losing battle position.

Is my going ahead for my, now, 6th transfer a shot in the dark? Probably, but I'm a glutton for punishment. Statistics are stacked against me, but I'm not going to let that ruin this time that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

FET Bed Rest - Day 1

I am so happy to be here right now, sitting on the couch with my cat resting his head partially on my lap and partially on the laptop, and three embryos hopefully snuggling in for a long ride. Today, 3 of 3 blasts survived the thaw and were transferred to my uterus which has gone through quite an experience (and my hormones) in the last 3 months - see the "Jab" posts.

It was weird, looking down at the picture of our blasts, this was the first time in six transfers that I looked at the photo and thought of how amazing it is that these grain-of-sand size mass of cells can turn into a person. Is that a good, positive, thinking place to be or what!? I know I will still be my cautiously optimistic self, but maybe leaning a little more towards glass half-full perspective.

So now that I have a nice half-full glass of implant-boosting pineapple juice, I do have my worries. My big one is I have dental woes. I need a root canal - yes, just found out on Wednesday. Grrrr. Asked RE this morning and he said it's OK to have the work done, but I'm weary. I've asked Dr. Google too and the general concensous is not to worry. But, of course I still worry. I'm thinking of waiting until beta (11/30)? I'm worried and just don't know.

Quick Boring Update

Just wanted to write a "What's going on?" post. I haven't been all that motivated to blog but jotting down the particulars helps me keep my head sometimes.

So, last thing I wrote was about taking my last shot of the menopause mimicking lupron depot. Since then I've had my baseline and one follow-up u/s - both went fine as my ovaries are quiet and my lining went from 3mm to 9mm. I forget where they want my lining for transfer but I still have another two weeks for it to grow. My hot flashes are finally starting to subside now that I'm on estrogen - this for me is the biggest news! Next and last u/s before transfer is Thursday, I have my FET on Friday Nov. 20th...can't wait.

That's it - quick, boring and to the point.

The $300 Jab

Yes, I did it I went through an online pharmacy and saved over $200 bucks on my Lupron Depot! There was quite a bit of stress and worry involved but most of that was my fault. The quick version is that I waited too long to order it - simply because I was a little apprehensive. Since I waited on ordering, I was told that my medication might not arrive on time because of the delay at customs. Well, after hearing that of course I had a breakdown full of tears and insane worrying. That worrying was alleviated when just 10 days later (not the 20 they quoted me) my medication arrived! Oh was I soooo relieved!

Well, last night as I prepared to take the shot, all of my anxiety of flubbing this expensive shot came back 100 fold as I looked at this:

A glass ampoule. My dh and I stared at it. "What the hell is this and where do you put the needle?" No instructions came as to how to open this. Not sure how well you can tell from the picture, but it is one piece of glass. No twisting or flipping off a cap, no rubber stopper to inject a needle into, just one smooth piece of glass. Well, Google saved the day. In about 3 minutes we had detailed instructions, with pictures, of how to snap off the top of this tiny glass container - along with the warning of how using too much pressure could shatter the glass and render the medication useless - joy!

DH did a commendable job of breaking the top off like he was snapping a pencil. Of course he said he wanted to do it again! The injection went without any additional problems - thank God! Now I just have to deal with the random hot flash, yes, I am suffering from that lovely side effect.

The $578 jab

Just a quick update.

I started my lupron depot treatment last night with, you read correctly, one injection costing almost $600!  So I had my dh come with me to double check everything I was doing.  Even though I've mixed ganirelix and menopur dozens of times and injected myself in the butt over a hundred times with PIO it was still disconcerting to have only one chance at this.  It kinda reminded me of the anxiety I feel when taking the trigger shot - you've got only one shot and it has to be done right.  Talk about pressure!

Well, it went without a hitch and guess what the side effects are with lupron depot 3.75mg?  Menopausal symptoms - oh joy!  Of course not all women experience it but if I do I should start seeing symptoms in 1-2 weeks.  I'll keep ya posted - or maybe I shouldn't be posting in that condition :-)

So, next shot will be in 28 days.  That'll give me time to look for a cheaper shot from abroad.  I'm in So. Cal and I've been looking into online pharmacies from Canada & the UK.  Any one have any experience using a prescription from the US and buying meds from another country?  Any recommendations of online pharmacies (I've got ivfmeds.com and northwestpharmacy.com)